yet another thing we don’t need to Teach (reading!)

For some time now, I’ve known that DD can read a wide variety of words. But if you were to ask her, she’d insist that she can’t read. She was reluctant to read out loud to anybody, and when reading her own books she preferred making the stories up as she went along, using a few key words to build upon. Or she would merely recite books that she had memorized – this kid had committed the entire story of “Green Eggs and Ham” to memory well before she was 2 years old.

 

She’s enjoyed books since she was about 3 months old. It was apparent from around the age of 3 that she could read numerous words but for the next year and a half she showed an apparent reluctance to admit what she was doing, even to herself. Discussions about reading were met with resistance so I just backed off the subject entirely and let her continue her love affair with books. After all, it was her relationship with the written word, and I have never had any doubts that she would eventually read (nor did I care at what age that skill emerged). 

But her attitude puzzled me. Was it an issue of perfectionism? Was it lack of confidence? Or merely lack of interest? I don’t know. But whatever it was, she seems to have moved past it because she is now “officially” a reader: about two weeks ago she invited her brother to come into bed with her so she could read him a book. I was putting laundry away in the room when this happened, and I was stunned when I realized that she was actually reading the words out loud, pausing to sound out some in her head, or to check the context of the word. It was a book she was familiar with, but hadn’t memorized. And besides, I could tell by the way she was speaking that she was reading the words, rather than reciting from memory. 

I decided not to say anything to her right then as I didn’t want to disturb the moment. But that evening while we were reading bedtime stories she offered to read parts of the book, and I took that opportunity to inform her that she was reading. Her eyes went wide open and she smiled a big smile. Now she is proud of the fact that she can read. When my mother was over here the other day Emily brought out book after book and read them to her. 

I’m really pleased with how we’ve handled reading in this family. I started reading at age 3, but my father worked intensively with me so that, by the time I was 5, I could read literally anything that was put in front of me including textbooks and newspaper articles. I decided not to push DD’s reading in any way, preferring instead to let her go at her own pace and come to it in her own time. The excitement and pride she feels in this accomplishment is all the reward I need. 

Struggling with the Schooled Ones

I’m pretty passionate about homeschooling. But I try to remind myself all the time that it isn’t for everybody (thank you, AnnaB, for your words of wisdom on that subject). Not all family environments are of the sort you’d want a child to be exposed to for most of their waking hours. And I know that different families have different needs and it’s not my place to say what others should choose for themselves.

Over the last few months some of my friends have decided to send their kids to school after entertaining the idea of homeschooling by coming to our dropins and other activities. On the surface I totally respect their ability to make choices for themselves and their family. I am trying really hard to be supportive of those choices. But I’m finding that there’s this little tiny part of me that is…I dunno what to call it. But it doesn’t feel respectful, and I feel I may need to stomp some zealousness out of my homeschooling passion.

Most of these mothers admitted that it was an issue of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the needs of their other small children, and a need for “a life of my own”, more time, etc. I can totally understand why they feel that way, although I think they are misguided. It’s so hard to see what life is like with older children when you’re in the thick of the baby/toddler/preschooler set. Even if you homeschool, you are going to have way more time and freedom as your kids get older and need you less. My homeschooling mama friend says she barely sees her 8 year old some weeks. But when a SAHM of little ones imagines homeschooling she sees “more of the same, for the next 12 years”. No wonder it’s daunting just thinking about it. And at a deeper level it angers me: society sets us up to fail by making parenting such a lonely task, and then offers up the institution of school to take all these kids off our hands. It just ain’t right that legions of parents complain about having to actually spend time with their kids over the summer holidays, and rejoice when September rolls around again.

I wonder sometimes if what I’m feeling is a tinge of jealousy. In my case, sending my daughter to school would be nothing short of cruel. Not only would it shatter her love of learning, but she’s not the sort of child who quickly grasps social behaviour expectations. She has a hard time dealing with kids sometimes, and she is also rather unconventional in her appearance and tastes. Frankly, she would be chewed up and spat out on the Playground of Life in no short order and I can’t bear to think of her spirit crushed by the meanness that results when young kids are left to learn social behaviour from those who are equally immature and ignorant. So while I sometimes stare longingly at a friend who will, in only a couple more years, have five days a week to devote to her own persuits…that option isn’t open to me, because my child is simply not suited to school at all (and 99% of the time I’m so okay with that!).

These mothers also had to deal with kids who were *begging* to go to school. Their kids are soically adept and place great value on hanging out with others (my DD could really take or leave social groups for the most part). And here is where I have another issue.

Kindergarten should really be called the Sucker Year. Kids think “wow, this is going to be so great! we’ll paint and play and have circle time…”. I don’t know a single kid who doesn’t think preschool and Kindy are fun (assuming they are independent enough to want to be away from home that often). But in a couple of years these kids are going to have a rude awakening. It’s isn’t all crafts and fun time now, kids. You have to learn A, B, and C and you have to learn it at specific times of day, and in a specific amount of time. You have to, whether you want to or not. You’ll get in trouble if you indicate in any way that you don’t want to learn that subject, or sit in a desk, at that particular time. You’ll be graded and compared to some mythical Average Student. Your parents will gloat over your “performs better than average” scores and worry themselves into tutors and an early grave over any hint that you are somehow behind the crowd. You’ll spend your day with a group of people you didn’t get to choose, many of whom you won’t like, and many of whom will make your life miserable. You may discover the cruelty of being ostracized, ridiculed, and picked on. Or you may find that your once-compassionate self has turned into a bully purely because self-preservation required it of you. Oh, and did I mention the homework? And trying to squeeze everything you DO want to do into your evenings and weekends?

Of course part of my disappointment is wanting my friends to be in my world. But…and I hate to admit this because it sounds so shallow and pathetic…there is a part of me that is judgemental too. I admire these women, they are great mothers and great people. And yet part of me is saying “You’re taking the easy way out, and you’re kidding yourself if you think your children aren’t going to suffer for it.”

I want that part of me to shrivel up and die. I hate it.