When will they get it?

When it comes to settling the doubts, fears, and concerns of extended family members regarding the choice to homeschool one’s children the biggest hurdle is often overcoming their stereotyped and ignorant notions of what homeschooling is like and who it is for, combined with their almost mindless acceptance of the necessity of institutionalized learning in the life of a child.

If you are like our family, then you are fortunate to have an eldest child who is so naturally attracted to the “academic” subjects, and so self-motivated, that the naysayers soon run out of arguments. Nobody in our family can deny that Daughter is well ahead of her peers when it comes to language skills, scientific knowledge, and mathematical ability. 

My son, on the other hand, does not share all his sister’s interests. He is a physically-active child who possesses more coordination at age four than his six-year old sister. And while he enjoys being read to, he has rarely picked up a book to read it on his own. He shows no more interest in science and the natural world than most 4 year olds, and these days his favorite activities are video and computer games. 

Underneath this boyish countenance, however, lurk skills and knowledge in the language arts that are reminiscent of his sister. He learned the alphabet at a very early age, a fact that was revealed to me largely by accident as he was, at that time, quite speech delayed and did not speak a single word (he showed me by pointing unerringly to letters I called out at random). The other day while I was reading him a story, his father by his side, he astonished both of us by reading the story to us. While it was apparent that he’d memorized some of the lines, it was equally apparent that he was actually reading many other lines as well. 

I suspect that he is not far off from his sister when it comes to ability in the “three R’s”, but he simply isn’t as interested and driven by those subjects as she is and so it’s not as apparent. As an unschooling parent, I really could care less. And in fact I’m very much looking forward to seeing how he develops, where his passions will lie, and what subjects he will lead me to that I perhaps would not have explored on my own. Will he become fascinated with knights and medieval culture? Or perhaps Egyptology? Will he wish to master electronics, robotics, or mechanics? Will he be a poet, or will he find spiritual fulfillment in the study of a martial art? Will I finally have a child who wants to skate and ski with me? I am excited for both myself and for him, for all the fun and learning that lies ahead for us.

Well, in the last couple of weeks I have received comments from both grandmothers exhibiting surprise at the idea that my son is going to join the same homeschooling program as his sister next year. Perhaps when I enrolled him in preschool this year they thought homeschooling was off the table (more like wishful thinking). The mother-in-law asked me if I was going to send Son to kindergarten next year and when I responded in an “of course not” tone that he would be joining the same program as his sister (which starts in the kindergarten year) she seemed quite surprised. Then last night my mother, having been told about the classroom consultant, just came right out and said “Well, it has to be dealt with since he’s going to be in grade one in a couple of years” and when I looked surprised and said “no, he’ll be homeschooling with his sister” she expressed shock and concern. I was torn between anger that she’d assume I would put him in school (do you hear nothing I talk about? do you get nothing about who I am?) and frustration that she would assume that Son’s hitting issues would be best dealt with in the precise environment that fuels the problem (as if he’s better off being sent away from us).

My anger stems from the implicit assumption in the attitudes of these family members that homeschooling is okay for “smart kids” but that anybody else should be in school. My anger is also a defensive reaction on behalf of my son, who is apparently already being judged, labelled, and pigeonholed as not worthy of the unschooled life. The idea that my son should miss out on all the benefits, joys, freedoms, and pure wonder of Natural Learning because he doesn’t find word puzzles and classifying mushrooms to be all that interesting at the moment is simply sad and tragic.

It also infuriates me that I have to tiptoe around my deeply held belief that school is a highly suboptimal environment for learning and socialization, lest I offend the myriad people around me whose children are either in school or were sent to school, and yet nobody hesitates to share with me their blatantly ignorant assumptions about homeschooling. While I get that some children are of a temperament and skill set that allows them to navigate school without any ill effect, that doesn’t make it the best of all choices. It may be the best for children whose home environments are unstable and/or unhealthy. It may be the best choice for families who, for whatever reason, cannot assign a parent to facilitate the child’s learning journey. But for a mother who has already committed to homeschooling one child, the idea that I would send my other child to a mass-production, institutionalized, learning factory is ludicrous. 

I know I shouldn’t let this stuff get to me, but I am not one who finds it easy to control my tongue. I want too badly to share some of the joy of unschooling with family members who just don’t get it, but I know I’m wasting my breath. In the meantime, thank goodness I have a spouse who is willing to defer to me on these matters. If I had to settle for anything less than the freedom to unschool my kids, I think I would settle into despair. With that last comment, this post goes out to all the homeschooling-at-heart parents who have had to settle for less for their children because of family members who have blocked their way out of ignorance and fear.

I heart my homeschool community

We have a wonderful thing going here within our local homeschooling community. Every other Friday we meet at a Pensioners Hall that we fill with tables of activities. There’s a playdoh table, a games table, a warcraft table run by a Dad that attracts the older boys, a baby and toddler toy area, knitting, crafting, playmobil, wooden doll houses, etc. There’s a kitchen and everybody brings something to share so we feast well. 

This is our third year participating and it is hands down my favorite homeschool activity. I have made some very good friends, and the kids have all gotten to know each other. It’s wonderful to be in an environment where everybody “gets it”. You don’t have to explain what a DL is, or an O4L. Today a representative from Usborne Books came and we happily spent our learning funds on some great books. We took home a set of flash-card type cards called “100 Things to Spot in the Sky”. Each card describes a constellation or planet and it’s exactly the sort of thing Daughter will obsess over for days, all along absorbing the information. She played with them on the drive home and we had a chat about how Latin and Greek names are used because it was these ancient peoples who named many of them. 

The environment at the Hall works really well for my kids. There is a lot of space, and if they feel like playing on their own they can. Or they can pair up with a friend, or they can join a group. My kids do all three in that order of frequency as neither one is what you’d call a “social butterfly” and so it really reduces the conflicts. Daughter rarely has issues there as her biggest hot button – sharing – doesn’t become triggered very often given the sheer number and variety of activities. And my son just doesn’t go around the tiny ones because there is so much else for him to do (and the bigger boys are much more enticing) so I rarely have to deal with him getting rough with someone who can’t take it. I can see the whole Hall from the kitchen so I can hang there with my mama friends and keep an eye on the kids at the same time. 

I feel very fortunate to be part of this community, and to have made dear friends within it.

Homeschooling: it is what you make of it

I was trying to find a homeschooling URL today when I stumbled across a blog post from a very disillusioned father complaining that the teens he met in our local homelearning community were basically “dropouts” whose parents weren’t really involved, who were suffering from huge holes in their education, and in a virtual absence of any science teaching. 

I can’t comment on his experiences because I am not involved much in the teen homelearning community, other than to see some of them at local gatherings. I am much more involved in activities geared towards young children (3 to 9 year olds), and certainly I don’t see any of what he describes in our community. 

However, I wrote a comment in reply and I wanted to post it here because I think it highlights an important part of being a homeschooler, which is that the experience is what YOU make of it. I think we are so used to the institutionalization of education that perhaps some might enter the homeschooling community expecting that things will be set up for them, or that they become passive participants in a process driven by others. The truth is, homeschooling groups simply provide an opportunity to meet others with whom you stand a much better chance of sharing your values, goals for your children, and daily lifestyle. From those people you find your own community. There are some families who participate very little in their local homeschooling communities, and others who are heavily involved. The nice thing is that it’s entirely up to you to find what “fits” you as a family. Here is what I wrote:

I just stumbled across this post while searching for a homeschooling website and I felt moved to comment.

I’m truly surprised to read of your experiences as they are so counter to everything I have experienced in this community over the past 3 years we’ve been involved. Mind you, my daughter is only six so we aren’t involved with the teen community much. Within the larger homelearning community here in Vancouver are various subgroups that come together because of shared interests and ages of children. I have met wonderful families within this community who are now good friends of ours. Our children play and learn together and, at least in our group, there is a heavy emphasis on science as many of the parents and kids are passionate about it (I’m a PhD scientist myself so I can attest to the quality of the experiences the children have).

I can’t comment on the teens, but this young crop that I’m mostly involved with (3 to 9 year olds) are enjoying a wonderfully rich experience and I see a great deal of self-motivation and determination even in the younger ones. I am fully confident that their experience will only get better as they get older. But that’s because we parents will make it that way. If I found myself in a group as you describe then I would seek out the families who have the same interests and values and approach as I do and we would work together to provide great experiences for the kids.

Part of what makes the homeschooling community unique is that it isn’t run and regulated by ministry appointees and “experts” who basically set the rules and then let the parents have some involvement. We homelearning parents ARE the homelearning community and it is nothing more or less than what we make of it for ourselves and our children. The best thing about homelearning is you are not forced to spend the majority of your time with people you may or may not like, whose values may not mesh with your own, etc. Here, you build your own community and have far more freedom to do so in ways that work for you and your family than in any institutionalized setting. I’m truly sorry that your experiences left such a bad taste in your mouth, and I hope that over the last little while you’ve been able to create a community for yourself that meets your needs.

Resurfacing

Two weeks ago I came down with a nasty flu/cold/chest bug that knocked me out for 9 days. This past Monday I spent my first full day “out and about” and while I’m back into my full work load I can still feel a thickness in my chest and a tickle in my throat. 

Being sick when you are a mother of young children is a completely different experience than being sick any other time in your life. It wasn’t too long ago that I was living on my own and if I felt like I was coming down with something I would simply not go to work for a day or two, spend that time resting in bed, and in no time I’d be feeling fine. Or, if I had to go to work, I’d slog through the day as best I could knowing that when I got home there’d be a warm bed, a good book, and as much sleep as I needed. 

When you are a mother, there is no such thing as peace. Your kids still want you to wipe their bottoms, kiss their boo-boos, and make their toast the special way they like it. Even having my husband at home, essentially unemployed, does not grant me true respite. The house all but fell apart – garbage did not get taken out, floors did not get swept, laundry did not get done…you get the picture. And it wasn’t because Husband refuses to do these things, but that he simply doesn’t realize what goes into running a house smoothly and without me to instruct him it all just fell by the wayside. 

People have commented to me that I wouldn’t have been sick for so long if I hadn’t: gone for a run that first day when my throat hurt, decided to homeschool, made that one short trip to the yarn store (see below) – (but the grocery store visits apparently did me no harm), you name it. If I did it for me, then it was all my fault. At least according to my some people who shall remain nameless.

But not my friends who are mums. They know. They understand why we are so run down and it isn’t because we stayed up late one night indulging in the rare luxury of an uninterrupted movie that doesn’t start out with previews of the latest Dora adventure. They get why husbands and children measure their illnesses in hours or short days while we can be knocked out for well over a week. There is no such thing as true rest when you are a mum. And while I am not complaining – I love being a mother and wouldn’t change it for the world, there is a certain amount of frustration in realizing that most people (our own family included) just take us for granted. And yet at the same time, in my suffering, I feel part of something, connected to all the other mothers in what at times can feel like an exclusive and secret society that you only get into when you commit to the raising of a child. Those who don’t have children will never truly get it; but even old grandmothers always remember. I can tell my mother now that I appreciate her in ways I never did and she *knows* that I get it now. 

But I’ll end this post with some positive things about being sick. First, I lost about 5 pounds (I’m now two pounds away from my goal weight – wahoo!). And second, I used the time in bed to learn how to knit socks! And here it is, my very first ever sock. It fits me perfectly and doesn’t have any gaping holes in it. Not only did I have to get used to tiny double-pointed needles, but I decided to learn how to knit continental-style because it seemed faster. This was a “jaquard” yarn which meant it knit up in cool stripes and patterns – I enjoy this type of yarn because you never know what is going to come next.

 

Today I went for my first run in exactly 2 weeks and it felt really good. I wasn’t sure how much conditioning I’d lose in 2 weeks but I was able to do my usual distance without feeling really horrible. I’m getting my house back in order, meals planned and groceries ordered. It’s nice to be back!

Letting Go and Letting Be

The wonderful thing about unschooling is the journey. By stepping off the well-beaten path you are forced to stop and reassess your position every now and then, to question the direction you are going in, where you want to end up, and how best to meet your goals. It is a wonderful process, though difficult at times. We’re not long into our journey and yet I’ve had enough opportunities to stop and ponder that I’m seeing a pattern. In the end, the answer always seems to be to Let things Be. To take away the restrictions, the controls, and allow the children to grow and blossom as they are designed to do. 

With my son, after having given the issue I last posted about much thought, I am increasingly feeling that the preschool environment is just not right for him. The agressive behaviour has worsened in so many aspects of his life, and I feel the issue threatens to define him and how he views himself in this world should the it continue much longer. So while I have decided to go ahead with the assessment and evaluation to see what this person has to say, if there is no agreeable solution as to how to make the situation easier for my son, or if I see no progress over the next few weeks before Xmas, I am prepared to withdraw him over the holidays. If we can find tools to help him truly deal with this issue then I want to give those to him, but if they don’t work then I’m not willing to push it any further. I think he would benefit greatly from a break from this type of environment, and a chance to focus on something other than this issue. In my heart of hearts I feel this issue boils down to a lack of impulse control, which time and maturity will solve all on its own.

I’ve had to do some similar soul searching with my Daughter, who has recently declared that she no longer wishes to continue with her art class. This class is held at an arts academy, a midday class for homelearners that is geared towards children but teaches them real techniques and theory (in this case, it’s a painting class). I have been absolutely delighted with the place and at first Daughter was really enjoying herself. They spent the first eight weeks working on a Matisse-inspired painting and it was after she completed hers that she told me she didn’t want to go back. My reaction was swift and strong. 

First, the course was expensive, over $200 for the term and it was not covered by our learning funds b/c we registered in the summer. I was upset that this money was going to waste. But then when you think about it, wouldn’t sending a kid to a class they don’t want to be in also be a waste? 

Second, Daughter has a habit of quitting classes and I worried that I’m raising a quitter who cannot commit to the end of a process and see it through even when things aren’t so much fun. These are the fears instilled by a society that values institutionalized learning. The truth is, my daughter has shown commitment to those things that interest her: she’s been into dinosaurs and mushrooms for years, for example. And she isn’t quitting because things are too tough; on the contrary it’s because she is bored. Her interests are being captured by other things and she yearns to go explore those instead. Lately her crafting has turned away from painting and drawing to sculpture and collage. What will result if I force her to keep painting for the next eight weeks? What will she learn from that experience? Nothing positive that I can see.

Third, I had invested my own emotions in the place. I gushed about this arts academy to anyone who would listen, and especially to family who always want to know what Daughter is learning these days. It may be that I was more in love with the place than she was, and leaving the class is more upsetting to me because of that. Or it may also be because I took ownership of the class from her by getting so emotionally involved myself, and talking about it to so many people that it became mine instead of hers. 

At first I tried to use a combination of reason and subtle force to get her to commit to the class. But ultimately this road led to a brick wall, as it always does and you’d think I’d learn by now. I could threaten to not enroll her in any other classes, but that punishes me more than her! She’s perfectly happy to hang around with me more. And to be honest, this past week when we’ve all been sick and haven’t gone anywhere, I’m impressed with her ability to self-learn. She has been very creative with her crafts lately, she brought out the chess board and played a few rounds with Husband…the truth is that she doesn’t Need these classes at all. And I needed to remind myself of that. 

So after coming down too hard on her I told her that she doesn’t need to keep going to the class if she is done with it. The last thing in the world I want to do is sour her on art, or any other subject. She will not be losing anything more than 1 hour of a 25 hour learning week, which she can easily make up for at home or with other activities. It was actually the only class she was taking this term anyways. And the place will still be there next term or next year or two years from now when she is older and able to commit to a longer term project. She was the youngest in her class and frankly, I’m very proud of her for sticking through this long Matisse project and seeing it through ’till the end. I suppose an intensive painting class was asking a bit much for a six year old!

The issues with Daughter and Son are very different, but ultimately the solution has been to sit back and look at the big picture. To trust in their natural abilities and the natural process by which they develop. My son doesn’t need preschool any more than Daughter needs a painting class. There is ample evidence all around us of their continual learning and I need to just trust in that and let it be.

More trouble with my boy

Those of you who have followed my blogging over the years are familiar with the hitting issues we’ve had with my son. When he was not even 2 when he started “randomly assaulting” little kids. He’d walk up to them and scratch their faces. He’d push kids over, including babies, or pull their hair. It’s true that he didn’t talk at that age (he was speech delayed and didn’t really start talking until he was about 2.5), but the problem persisted even after he developed the skills to have a conversation with other kids.

Up until he was about 3 he showed no emotional reaction to the consequences of his “attacks” other than mild amusement. It took all my will to remind myself that this was normal, but finally we saw a behavioural specialist who also told me it was normal and that empathy doesn’t typcially develop until the 4th year of life. He said I could expect the situation to improve a great deal between age 3 and 4. He also recommended a good preschool since this would give him many opportunities to work on solving the problem in a supportive environment. I, for obvious reasons, was simply avoiding situations where there were lots of little kids. 

I didn’t do preschool that year for many reasons. But this year he’s going and the hitting is just getting worse and worse. At first it was every once in a while but lately it’s been every day and it’s getting more violent – hitting with toys for example. He definitely shows empathy afterwards and it’s apparent he feels very bad about what is happening, later after the fact. He knows about using his words and the teachers/duty parents handle the sitautions perfectly – no shaming or blaming, they help the kids use their words to work through the situation, etc. Son knows what he is supposed to do, but in the moment he just can’t do it. Now some kids are saying he’s “bad” and I’m concerned (as is the teacher) that he’s going to get a label on him and internalize it himself. 

The teacher asked me the other day for permission to bring in some kind of specialist who will do an assessment in the classroom and hopefully make some suggestions as to how to handle this. I’m relieved that there is extra help to bring in, because the situation is getting bad for everybody. Some kids are scared of him now, and he needs to be shadowed all day which takes away from the rest of the class. 

So far, the teacher has been amazing and totally focussed on what is best for Sasha. There has been no judging or blaming (at least, not to my face) and one mum of a recent victim even reached out to me with kindness and sympathy. But it is hard because I’m a new parent to the school (most were there last year) and of course I’m the only homeschooler. I wonder if they think this is a “socialization” issue, but hopefully they are mature enough to know that these issues can happen with a schooled child, too. Certainly the teacher told me that it won’t be the first time the specialist has been called in to do an assessment. 

My concerns, however, are this: the conventional way of thinking would suggest that perhaps my son should have been in this environment (group of peers) earlier on so that he’d have had time to deal with this issue before now. And the solution would be to keep him in this situation, get him the assistance he needs, and let him work through it. 

The other way of thinking is that this situation just obviously isn’t good for him. It’s too much social pressure, perhaps. Too much, too soon (for him). It may be that the best thing to do is take him out of preschool and keep him away from big groups of peers until he matures and develops better self-control. 

The latter attitude is one I’ve embraced fully since my eldest was a toddler, and it certainly resonates with me. But my boy really loves preschool and in so many other ways it has been so wonderful for him to have his own place and get out from under the dominant thumb of his big sister. I want this to work, but I also don’t want this to affect his self-esteem. He is already seeming a bit confused that some of his friends don’t want to play with him now, though he hasn’t said anything to me about it specifically (it’s hard to know with him sometimes). 

I’m just so tired of this issue. We’ve been dealing with it for so long and I kept thinking that in another few months we’d be past it. Here we are over 2 years later and it’s just as bad and seeming to get worse. It’s not an easy yoke to bear as a mother, and I sure envy parents who can just let their kids go play without worrying that someone is going to get seriously hurt.

A Taste of the Good Life (my old life)

Things have been busy for me since Husband got laid off. The many projects he was juggling all fell through one by one and so far self-employment has equalled unemployment. But good fortune smiled on us and my business picked up dramatically, allowing me to support the family during this time. That, combined with commitments to Son’s preschool and now-weekly reporting for Daughter’s homeschooling program (it was biweekly last year when she was at Kindergarten level) all left little time for blogging. 

It also meant more time away from home (or being at home but having computer work to do), and I’ve really missed that. This has become particularly apparent to me over the last three days as I’ve been home sick with a cold and, in a rare turn of events, free of commitments. Even though I’ve been sick I’ve managed to keep the place tidy, organize some files in my office, knock some to-do’s off my list, get in a couple loads of laundry, and do the budget for this month. Today I made bread (in the breadmaker) and a large batch of butternut squash soup. 

I miss this, I really do. I was particularly moved to write about it today when I read this post that was linked to by Wife Mom Maniac. It was a moving reminder of the deep importance of Motherhood, and how satisfying and fulfilling it is to participate in something so worthwhile as the raising of a child. As I lay reading it with Daughter snuggled up beside me (she is sick too, poor dear, and has been keeping me company in bed today), she taking great comfort in my presence (and, in fact, demanding nothing less than that all day!), I felt like just being there for her was something so deeply important, with so much more meaning than any business report I could write. Is there anything more precious than a child who, in their misery, needs nothing more or less than the presence of her Mama to make the world seem bearable, manageable, even conquerable? What an honour it is to be the source of that kind of comfort.

Husband had an interview today with his recruiter (a local headhunter who got him his last job). There are two job possibilities coming up and I’m very hopeful that one of these will work out for him. Then things will get back to the way they were, which I now appreciate was truly the Good Life for us!