Regrets of the Dying

I recently discovered a post by Bronnie Ware on her blog Inspiration and Chai. It’s titled “Regrets of the Dying” and Bonnie wrote this after spending years working in palliative care. She noted that these were the regrets that popped up again and again from her patients. It struck me as being so relevant to the choices our family has been making over the last few years.

The entire post can be found here, and I encourage you to read it. After reading the article, I went through the list again and asked myself “What am I doing to ensure this isn’t my regret?”. I’m posting my responses here, and I encourage everybody to do this exercise yourself…

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life more true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

As a parent, I think this is particularly relevant. Have I planned my child’s life before she gets to choose it? Do I have expectations for the path she will take? How willing am I to let her forge her own way, create her own dreams, pass no judgements on her, and support her? Will my child feel that he is living his life for himself, or for his parent? This is one of many reasons why we unschool: I want my children to be free to walk the path they want to walk, without worrying about what their parents are expecting of them, without being held to someone else’s idea of success and happiness. I want them to spend their days enjoying the beauty of Nature, or engaging deeply in a creative pursuit that struck them in the moment and has them riding on a wave for hours. Instead of stressing over grades and college entrance and everybody else’s idea of what they are “supposed” to be doing. I want them to end their days feeling like they were true to themselves. 

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This sentiment was related to missing out on one’s children growing up and on spending time with spouses and good friends. Too many people wake up at the age of 40, realize they’re in the same job that was supposed to be a temporary thing until they did what they really wanted, and then discover that they’ve gotten themselves into a lifestyle that can’t afford for them to do anything different. Too many people don’t realize they have a choice. As Bonnie writes “By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.” For us, simplifying our life meant me being able to stay at home with the children, keeping our children out of daycare and school, and allowing my husband to work from home so we could all spend more time together as a family. One day I’ll wake up and the kids will have moved out. I know I will miss them very much, but I’ll find comfort knowing I made the most of the time I had with them.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

I’m hoping that by teaching my children to be aware of what they are feeling and how they are expressing it, rather than trying to control that expression through punishment, I’m giving them “emotional literacy”. And by raising children who are never expected to “obey”, who are welcome to express their opinion even if it runs counter to my own, who engage in problem solving as equal participants rather than subordinates…that all these things and more will give them the ability to express their feelings in a healthy way. Myself, I struggle with certain aspects of this, though usually my problems arise precisely from expressing my feelings (but with too little tact!).

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

While I felt confident answering all the points that came before, this is the one that really hit me hard, like a hammer in the chest. I have always been neglectful when it comes to calling my friends regularly. I think of them often, cherish them so much, but months will go by and I haven’t picked up the phone. There always seems to be an excuse, but in reading the comments of the dying with respect to this one point, I am suitably motivated to make some changes in this area of my life. I’m very grateful for this.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

As Bonnie writes “many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice”. Thankfully, I’ve already accepted this lesson and I try to practice it every day, in myriad different ways. I’ll expand more in a later post about the power of acceptance and recognizing one’s own power to be happy, but suffice it to say for now that I wish more people understood this before they lay on their deathbed. It’s not a done deal, it’s a process. I’ve accepted it as a truth, but now I’m working to apply it to various aspects of my life. 

Not everybody in our world has the power to control their lives. Too many live in conditions where they lack the power or the resources to do more than struggle to survive on a daily basis. I can only speak for my own culture and from my own contextual experience. But in our society there is enough wealth and opportunity that everybody can exercise some degree of choice over the path they take, though some may need to start much earlier in life (and there’s the rub of brainwashing kids with the idea that the only path to success is college and the high-paying jobs that are supposed to come with it). With proper planning, saving, avoiding debt, and embracing simplicity we free ourselves from the nine-to-five rat race, from the endless spiral of consumerism and wealth accumulation that robs us of our freedom, and create space in our lives for the things that matter the most. Ask yourself, when you are lying on your deathbed, what will you regret? And then do something about it now.

  

Birdwatching

For the last couple of months we’ve had a bird feeder hanging outside the window beside the kitchen table. As we sit eating breakfast and drinking tea we get to watch the variety of birds that visit, up close. With our handy Bird Guide reference we enjoy looking them up to see who is coming to dine.

We’ve learned two things from these observations. First, while two or three birds may visit at the same time, they are almost always of one species. If another species tries to show up they are chased away. The other observation is that different species tend to visit at different times of day, such that the aforementioned conflicts don’t happen very often.

The first species of the morning is the Red-Breasted Nuthatch. Pretty little things that, at a distance, I had confused with chickadees. They have short tails and beaks that appear to be tipped upwards somewhat. When they fly, they swoop up and down. They like to grab a sunflower seed then scoot over to a nearby evergreen tree to eat it. Then they return for another.

After they’ve had their fill, later in the morning we get the Chestnut Backed Chickadee. Coming from the mainland I’m more familiar with the Black-Capped Chickadee. The former have a lovely vest of chestnut-brown, and their small size makes them very cute.

In late afternoon the Oregon Junco’s arrive. I’ve seen them getting chased away by the nuthatches if they show up too early, so not sure if late days are their regular feeding time or if they’ve adapted to stay away from the early-bird nuthatches. They seem big compared to the other two, their long tails can be recognized even when they are on the other side of the feeder. They are bolder than the other species, content to rest on the edge of the deck and forage down below for dropped seeds.

One of my favourite visitors is the Spotted Towhee. These guys usually show up alone, and when no other birds are around. I first saw one last spring while walking along a nearby trail, and was thrilled with their wing spots and pretty brown sides. They are easily frightened away, so I sit very still when one comes to visit.

Just today I saw a new visitor, around lunchtime. I had to search through my book to identify it, and was pleased to find an answer. With it’s strongly streaked chest and yellowish wing markings, I was able to determine it was a Pine Siskin. It’s not exactly a rare bird, but being new to this birdwatching thing it was a “new to me” bird, and just as exciting as any rare find by a seasoned birder!

We’re looking forward to continuing our birding education through the spring and into summer and fall. Hopefully we’ll meet some new friends along the way. In the meantime, we’re definitely getting our money’s worth out of the birdseed!

People come in Families

I was just reading the Un-Schooled blog, written by a young lady who never went to school, and I came across a phrase that really struck me. She said:

My non-schooled friends have pretty much always been friends with their siblings. And I’ve been friends with their siblings, too. People came in families, not alone.

This pretty much sums up our homeschooling experience (in two separate cities now) and motivated me to write about it. When you’ve been outside the school system with your kids long enough you begin to see school as this weird kind of social experiment where we institutionalize our children and society ends up segregated. The kids are not only segregated by age, but their contact with adults is limited relative to their same-age peers. They are segregated from retirees, who tend to be out in the mornings and home early in the day. They are segregated from the stay-home mums with kids under school-age, the babies and toddlers at the playgrounds and parks.

The consequences of this are many, but two apply to today’s topic. First, kids in school tend not to think of children in other age groups as potential friends, and that tends to apply to their siblings (and especially their friends’ siblings). Second, when they make friends, the parents and siblings are often not around.

Consequently a “playdate”, in mainstream jargon, is when you send your kid over to someone’s house, or they send their kid over to yours, because the kids have met and formed a friendship and the visiting child’s mother has ascertained to their satisfaction that the house they are sending their children to is safe and guided over by responsible adults. It would likely be considered unusual to send all your kids over, unless the host family had kids of the same ages, or to show up yourself and expect tea and great conversation while the kids play. Only the host parent is present; in fact it seems that a main point of playdates is buying the visiting child’s parent some down time.

Homeschool playdates are a different kettle of fish. First of all, when we meet at homeschool events and activities, one parent and most (if not all) kids are present (“most” usually applying to families with lots of kids, some of whom are old enough to be doing things independently). The kids don’t pay much attention to age; you’ll find kids of all sorts of age combinations playing happily together.

Homeschooled kids don’t get the memo that it’s uncool to play with kids who aren’t the same age as you -siblings are considered as potential playmates as well. So when your kid clicks with another kid, chances are they are also clicking with the siblings, and your other kids are doing so as well.

But there’s more…when we are getting to know families, it matters not just whether the kids click, but whether the adults click. The idea of “playdate” is rather foreign to us, in terms of an isolated appointment with a single child. When we have playdates, it’s with the mum and the siblings, and it usually means that not only are our kids a good match in terms of temperament and interests, but that I’ve really clicked with the mum too. The great part about this is that playdates are just as fun for me as they are for the kids, because I’m getting to spend time with someone I like too! So we’re all having a playdate together.

You might ask what would happen if I didn’t click with the parent but my kids really wanted to hang with them. Well, that situation really hasn’t happened to us. My kids aren’t highly social in the first place, so they aren’t always begging to have friends over. We do get out often enough that they get to see their homeschool friends fairly regularly. Playdates are generally arranged by the mums after observing that the kids get on well and that, heck, I like that mama and would love to chat with her more.

There have been a few occasions where I’ve met a mum that I would like to get to know better, but our kids don’t click. In this case I can still find opportunities to get to know the mums better by attending homeschool events and activities, and there’s nothing like starting a “mum’s night out” knitting group for more opportunities to get together!

I find it so strange when people suggest that, because my kids aren’t in school, they aren’t being prepared for the Real World. From our perspective, school is not the Real World. In the Real World, people come in families!

Lego Universe!

For some time now Son has been enjoying his two passions, Lego and video games, combining them in interesting ways (like building miniature gaming consoles). So it seemed natural to progress to his first Massively Multiplayer Online Game, and what better way to venture into that world than through Lego. Meet Lego Universe.

It has been a huge hit with both Son and, surprisingly, me. The world created in this game is interesting, sometimes dark, but always lightened up by the fact that it’s all Lego. Your player is a minifigure that you design and clothe yourself. The first part of the game is common to all players: you must navigate off a transport ship, learning basic skills along the way. Eventually you make your way to the Recruiting Centre where you sign up with the Nexus Force. This then allows you to visit other worlds in the universe.

To join the Nexus Force you have to complete a few missions, then you have to choose your Faction. There are four Factions, each with a different style and character. The Assembly Faction is comprised of builders and creators, the Sentinel Faction is for defenders and warriors. The Venture Faction is for explorers and fun-seekers, and the Paradox Faction is for those with a bent towards the darker side of adventure.

Choosing a Faction was a Big Event in our family – with four minifigures, each of our family could create a character. Son chose Sentinel Faction and Daughter chose Assembly. I myself chose Venture so there was big pressure on Husband to pick Paradox Faction so all the factions would be represented in the family. Fortunately that was right up his alley! Since that time both Husband and Daughter have moved on to other things, but Son and I enjoy playing regularly and it’s great to be able to discuss this latest passion with him in detail. We swap tips, share experiences, and enjoy seeing each other’s progress. It’s also really nice for him to be the “expert” and able to offer me assistance when I need it. I’m sure it’s wonderful for children to engage in a bit of role-reversal with their parent from time to time.

Being a Massively Multiplayer game, the exciting part (as we’ve not played such games before) is seeing other characters and knowing that there is a human being behind it. Son enjoys chatting with others, and joining teams to go on adventures. I prefer to play solo, but I’ve often found myself flagging down a passer-by to ask for help – I imagine how fun it would be for the child behind the character to see that it’s an “old lady” asking for help, but of course they don’t know that.

The game allows for all kinds of playing styles. You can go to racetracks spread throughout the worlds, try to complete Missions that may require battling or problem-solving, or you can join forces with others. If animals are your thing, there are various animals scattered throughout the worlds that you can befriend and train to be your pet and companion. It’s not unusual to get passed by a character with a crocodile obediently trotting along behind. You can participate in group building projects, and you even get a piece of real estate with which to build upon using bricks you collect along the way. I made a cute little cottage, but prefer to engage in some of the more challenging and fun Missions. Son loves to decorate his property, and has been collecting Castle Modules to create a medieval home for himself. There is a daily news feature that tells of fun games going on, new adventures, and places to see. It’s never the same game twice, and seems to have enough variety to keep us well-engaged.

The entire game is very regulated and child-friendly. They even have an “easy chat” where you can pick phrases rather than having to type them out yourself. Son started this way but soon progressed to typing his own phrases. There’s a lot to be said for the slang of online chatting, and how easy it makes it for young kids to communicate through text. I know there has been controversy about this slang chat language and spelling, and concerns that it will rob kids of learning “real” grammar and spelling. But I think these concerns are outdated and based on paradigms of learning that I simply don’t share. Neither of my kids seems to be confused by the fact that the word you is spelled “y-o-u” in literature but simply written as “u” in text messaging. I think it’s only confusing to those of us who were introduced to it rather late in life!

I can’t say enough good things about Lego Universe. It’s a very benign and safe environment in which kids can be creative, have fun, and begin to explore online interactions (like chatting) in a safe environment. The worlds they’ve created are very impressive in terms of scope, complexity, and graphics. And I love that I enjoy the game enough to be able to share with Son in one of his favorite games (currently, that is). So if you have a child who is ready to take their gaming one step further, and if you’d like a gentle environment in which to begin instruction regarding online chatting and Netiquette, I suggest this game as a great place to start.