A pretty sad reflection on our culture

Perhaps you have seen the ads (they come by every August). Last night as Daughter and I were watching the news together, an ad came on for Staples or some other such store. The music playing was “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” (that ol’ Christmas tune) and a man was gleefully pushing a shopping cart down an aisle, leaping for joy in slow motion. Behind him were two children sitting on a sofa that he was pulling along behind him: one looked half comatose from boredom and the other wore one of those pre-teen expressions of disdain while she chewed on her gum and rolled her eyes. The message was clear: the man was overjoyed that soon his kids would be back in school and away from him for most of the day.

I asked Daughter if she understood the story of the ad, and she said she didn’t get it at all. And so I explained it to her: around this time of year, families get ready for their kids to return to school. Apparently, this is a great time for the grownups as they can’t wait to get away from their children all day. When she asked me why they didn’t love their children I said that of course they loved them, but when kids spend most of their lives in school, doing after-school stuff etc., it gets to the point where a family just isn’t used to spending lots of time together and so when they have to (like during summer vacation) things don’t often go so well. Pretty soon the parents are looking forward to having their kids back in school.

I tried really hard not to sound too negative or judgemental but when you break down the context of an ad like that, one can’t help but realize what a sad reflection it is on our society that this story is just taken for granted. I’ve actually had clerks in stores say to me during check-out (around August) “bet Mum’s looking forward to back to school!”. They mean well, but I don’t think many people stop to ask themselves why a family can’t seem to get along for more than two months before everybody is begging to get away from each other. This also explains the desperation around June to get kids registered in day camps, of which there are hundreds and which fill up very fast – the parents want the kids “kept busy”. There seems to be a cultural assumption that parents and kids should be separated for most of the time otherwise they’ll drive each other crazy. How sad is that?

I believe that relationships need work, and that is challenging when the children are off in their world of school and extra-curricular activities and parents are off in their world of work (two such very different worlds!) for so much of the time. When you are a homelearning family you spend a lot of time together doing similar things together and you are sort of forced to learn how to get along with each other. Not that I find it all that difficult most of the time (though certainly, we all have our challenging moments with kids!). I like being with my kids and I’d be very, very sad if they were away from home 6 hours a day, five days a week. From my perspective (that of someone for whom it is not normal) it seems far too much time, such that the children basically lead a life apart from their parents. In our society we seem to think this is a Good Thing but I humbly disagree.

Nevertheless, I wish more people looked beyond the humor of back-to-school ads and cartoons and stopped to ask themselves why we, as a culture, think it’s normal for parents to be happy that their kids won’t be around much.

Giant Water Bug

Last week while camping in the Okanagan, a friend noticed a huge bug lumbering along in the short, dry grass. I thought it was a cockroach and was amazed at its size, not to mention I knew that giant cockroaches are not found in this part of the world and wondered if someone had lost a pet. We kept it to take home (because neither Daughter nor I can resist collecting a fascinating specimen!). It seemed injured and confused when we caught it and so we were not surprised when it died on the 6 hour journey home, trapped in a tupperware container with lots of sugar (I thought being a cockroach it might enjoy that).

Today we finally got around to photographing and identifying the bug. It took me a short time to rule out “cockroach” and much longer to figure out what it actually was. Fortunately, my fave site for such things, What’s That Bug, happened to be featuring our specimen as one of this month’s bugs. However, it was a ways down the page and it really didn’t occur to me that I’d be so lucky, so it took me a while to find it.

Our little (dead) fella is a Lethocerus americanus, aka Giant Water Bug, also known as a Toe-Biter. They are one of the largest bugs in Canada and live in freshwater lakes, ponds, etc. We were camped right next to the shores of a huge lake and apparently these guys like to seek out bright lights at night (of which there were many in the campground) and often get disoriented or injured. Normally they are in the water catching such largish prey as frogs and fish. Checking out the large forearms of our specimen I can see how that would work. They are called Toe-Biters because if handled aggressively they can deliver a painful bite. Fortunately none of us had the guts to try and touch our find!

Intentional Time with the kids

Last year I was musing about how lovely it was to have a 6 year old. Daughter was easy to get along with, easy to take places, interesting to talk to, and generally just very enjoyable to have around. Then a couple of months before her 7th birthday The Change started to take place. We moved from equilibrium to disequilibrium, as one child development expert put it. At first I chalked it up to just a normal phase of growth, but the situation has only worsened over the last little while.

Every day around late afternoon she goes crazy. She spits and drools, she runs around like a demented lunatic, she “sings” loudly and obnoxiously. She torments her little brother, and anyone else who happens to be around. She is argumentative, rebellious, rude, and generally behaving in the sort of way that makes one want to lock her in her room. She has had several raging tantrums lately that have definitely gotten my attention, and started me thinking that perhaps this was more than just a phase.

So I’d been thinking about this issue for a while, realizing that I was simply not handling these outbursts in the way I believed I should, which was of course making everything worse (nothing like hearing your raging child spew phrases that you know you’ve said yourself in moments of less-than-stellar parenting). We were in a vicious cycle whereby my reactions to her behaviours were fueling more of the same: if anybody wants proof that coercive, punitive, authoritative parenting makes everything worse just come see me.

However, while it’s true that I was not handling the behaviours well, I also began to see that perhaps the behaviours themselves were really just the surface signs of a deeper problem. I very much believe in the saying Kids who feel right, act right. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I have not been spending very much one-on-one time with her lately. And I grew more certain as I thought about it that her behaviour was a cry for attention. Heck, most grownups don’t really understand why they act the way they do and kids have far less experience and knowledge to draw upon. A seven year old can be so articulate in some ways that it’s hard to remember they are still so very young and unable to analyze their own complex emotions and drives.

You may wonder how a homeschooling, mostly stay-home Mum can fail to spend much time with her Daughter. Well, I am both blessed and cursed with children who play very independently. I can pretty much go an entire day doing housework, working on the computer, weeding the garden, and various other tasks without ever doing much more than making snacks and meals, kissing boo-boos, and stepping in every now and then to help with minor disputes. With the arrival of spring, adding yardwork and other pleasures to my list of duties, it became too darned easy to put the kids off for another day while I caught up on my work. I convinced myself that because the kids weren’t specifically demanding that I spend time with them, they were just fine with it and if I only just take this one day, I’ll be all caught up and able to spend time with them again. Yet somehow I never seem to get caught up.

And so I have adopted a new Resolution to start spending alot more one-on-one time with my kids, especially Daughter who is obviously needing me right now. I’ve had to conciously remind myself that I only have so much time to spend with my young children, and housework can wait. I’ve started to limit my domestic activities to one small task at a time, in between which I do something with the kids. I’ve focussed on being intentional and present whenever I do. On just one day we sat and read books together, did puzzles, went to the playground, the library, and many other things that we normally do over the course of a week. Surprisingly, I managed to get most of my domestic tasks done too, enough to feel satisfied with my day’s work. I believe I am already seeing the benefits, and I’m convinced that I’m on the right track. It’s too early to tell, and I don’t expect an instant end to her obnoxious-ness. But I’m confident that things will improve. In my next post, I’ll write more about the importance (to me) of maintaining a connection with my children, and how difficult that can be as they get more independent.

Responding with love

Two days ago we met up with another homelearning family for a walk in the forest. The 1 km trail led to a river where we rested, picnicked, and watched the kids play in the water. We ended up staying in the park for over 4 hours. Overall it was a lovely day, but there were “moments” with my kids (the photo above is of Daughter with her new “7 going on 15″ look of defiance), one of which in particular was a much needed reminder of the importance of responding to our children with love.

The other mom, E, is a new friend. We’re in the same homelearning program and our kids get along well. I met her through Mothering.com and so she comes from the same background as me with respect to discipline, child-rearing, lifestyle, etc.

E and I are relatively new friends: we live far apart so can’t get together as often as I’d like, but I am very much enjoying our get-togethers. There’s nothing like trying to start up a friendship with another parent when your children decide to behave like…well, like children do from time to time. The other parent is thinking “thank god I’m not the only one whose kids do this” while you’re thinking “omg, I’m so embarrassed, she must think my kids are monsters”. I admit it, I’m prone to feeling embarrassed in these situations and it sure doesn’t help my parenting.

After Son had already thrown his Sigg bottle at his sister, hurled a small rock at her, and tried to scratch her (she was teasing him rather mercilessly), I was losing my cool. I was getting embarrassed, not to mention just plain tired. The final straw was when we were walking back and Son got angry when I said I wouldn’t help him climb up on the giant rock (I just wanted to get back!) and so he picked up a handful of pebbles, walked up to the group of us, and hurled them at us. Fortunately nobody got hurt but I was so shocked and upset and humiliated, etc….I just lost it. I started to “yell” at him in a whisper so that E couldn’t hear me, but the seriousness of my tone and face only made him laugh and giggle.

There’s nothing that pushes my buttons more than being responded to by laughter when I put on my “serious business/grownup tone”. I was in a bad place myself by this point and all I wanted to do was make him cry so he could “appreciate the seriousness of what he did”. I grabbed his arm tightly and shook it a little bit, when I realized that I didn’t want to come across as some kind of mainstream, ranting, punitive parent in front of my new friend. As much as I wanted to “lay down the law” I couldn’t do it with her nearby and so I had no choice but to take a deep breath, gather myself together, and do what I knew I should do: respond with love.

I took a deep breath, took Son’s had, and began walking with him. I told him I felt angry and worried that he might have hurt our friends. He wanted to let go of my hand but I told him that I needed him to walk close to me for a while because I felt he couldn’t be safe at the moment. After a minute of silence he said “Mama, I love you”. My first thought was “You can’t fool me with that” until I realized that the boy was only 4 and the idea of kissing ass to get out of trouble was not a concept he’d grasped yet…By suppressing my desire to scold and be punitive that way I was allowing him to process what was going on, and this was him trying to reach out to me. Eventually I began to melt a bit and the raw emotions faded. I could see more clearly that I had a very tired little boy who’d been playing pretty well for most of our 4 hour trip, who didn’t intend to hurt anyone but who’d been very upset that his mother couldn’t stop for one minute to lift him up onto a rock (in hindsight it would have saved us more time had I just done it).

Meanwhile, E had started the other kids on a game of “hide and seek” while we walked back along the trail. The whining, tired kids were transformed into laughing, giggling, children who were practically running along the trail to find a good hiding spot up ahead. Son really wanted to play. It would have been easy to use that as punishment, but by that point I was over my own inner tantrum and thought the idea was simply pointless. Instead I had a brief talk with him about being safe – in which he solemnly explained to me how he would do so – and off he went, after giving me a kiss. He was fine for the rest of the walk.

I’m so grateful that E was there to keep me in line. This is the kind of peer pressure that works in one’s favour!

Looking back on the situation I can see how my own issues, my own past experiences, and my tiredness all combined to push me towards a retributive attitude. I mean, when I stop and think about it, I suppose I do look pretty funny getting all serious and stern with them – that’s just not my personality type at all. Why should I punish a child for the joyful laughter of a 4 year old? Instead, I took a deep breath, and just told him how I felt. I gave him time and emotional space (free from a defensive attitude) to think about what he’d done and to feel regret and remorse for it.

It is so hard when you are in the moment, when your child has done something and you think “Oh boy, that one was BAD”, to not let loose with scolding and anger. I can’t get over how strong the urge is to be punitive. This was a good reminder of how these moments do pass, and if you can get through them with dignity and respect and most of all – with unconditional love for your child – they really do reward you by working through it. I’m grateful for this reminder and have been doing my best to keep in it mind.

Summer Happenings

It is mid-July now which means Summer is in full swing. Many people ask us whether we “take the summer off”, still not quite understanding that we Learn just by Living our lives and so the question doesn’t make much sense. It’s true that the learning year is over in our DL program and so I’m not having to write weekly reports. And it’s true that Son is now finished with preschool, and there are no weekly classes or structured activities going on. But somehow learning still seems to happen.

We’ve been doing alot of hiking lately, especially now that we have a dog. Here’s a shot of the kids making silly faces on our local section of the Baden-Powell trail.

Son has suddenly decided he’s interested in crafting. He has never really drawn nor coloured, whereas his sister was scribbling before she was 2. I know that this is common for boys, who seem to develop the fine motor skills used in drawing and handwriting later than girls. It has never bothered me, since I’m a firm believer in the unschooling principle that trying to teach a child something they aren’t developmentally ready for is a waste of time. I left him to decide when he was ready and sure enough, one day a few weeks ago he decided to join us during a session of drawing and colouring. He has since participated in a few crafts, is doing rudimentary printing work, and generally just unfolding the way he is uniquely designed to do, and at his own pace. It’s a beautiful thing to watch.

Recently we went on a five day camping trip through the Thompson-Okanagan and South Okanagan regions of BC. We swam in lakes and rivers, the kids made friends with fellow campsite kids, the grownups relaxed and enjoyed the weather and lovely scenery.

One day, at the campground shown above, Husband was scribbling some notes in his workbook when Daughter asked if she could write in his book, too. The book is a lab notebook with graph paper sheets. She asked her father to give her words and she would try to spell them. After several words she asked if they could do some math. After some addition and subtraction she wanted to move on to multiplication, and so I told Husband about the game of drawing sets that she and I had done over the last few months. It was neat to see how Husband approached things and explained things, different from the way I did which I thought was good for Daughter to get different perspectives and ways of thinking.

I know I say this all the time here, but it still never ceases to delight me: the fact that children can actually see writing and math as just another fun activity, like playing on the swings, or swimming, or watching videos. I think this is one of the many blessings of not having kids in school: they don’t separate academic activities from anything else they do in their day.

And so depsite the fact that our days are slow and lazy, unstructured, and without much in the way of pre-scheduled activities (just the way I like ‘em), the kids are growing and learning and delighting in their Unconventional Life.

She’s Here!

I’d been staring at her photo online all week. On Friday morning with much excitement I left home at 8 am for a 3-hour trip to Snoqualmie, Washington to go and meet “Rainy” and bring her home. Just 10 km from the border I decided to get something to eat, and while pulling a U-turn near a construction site I ran over a sharp curb and ripped a hole in my right front tire. Determined not to let anything get in my way, I called up 24 Hour Roadside Assistance and within 30 minutes a tow truck had come to put on my spare tire. Unfortunately, both the driver and my owner’s manual strongly advised against travelling on the Freeway for hours with the spare on. Okay, next challenge: find a tire. Thank goodness for my iPhone!

I located a few tire places around me but when I began calling around I learned that my tire is not a common model and eventually I learned that the nearest one to me was currently sitting in a warehouse in Edmonton. Feeling more frustrated now I debated what to do and finally decided that since I was so close to the border I might as well cross and see if anyone in WA had my tire. While waiting in line at the border I found a guy in Marysville – on my way – who would have my tire in one hour. Perfect. Things were looking up. Meanwhile, I had to go to the bathroom and was thinking of the rest stop that memory told me was right on the other side of the crossing.

As I passed through I was randomly selected by the computer for an inspection. Pull over there, ma’am. Take this paper inside, ma’am. Oh, long lineup. Okay, I’ll just go pee before I get in line. Uh…there are no washrooms and then I saw the big sign that said “No cell phones, No PDAs, No Washroom”. Apparently Canadians not only need to show passports now but they can’t be trusted to go pee lest they try to flush their stash of pot down the toilet (BC is full of hippie liberals, ya know). Fun.

It ended up okay. Everybody was nice to me – prob’ly trying to make up for the joy of being randomly selected for a half-hour delay – and eventually, when they were convinced I wasn’t a terrorist, they escorted me to a locked washroom. See, American’s are nice!

Finally, I was on the I-5 heading South and trying hard to stay under the 80 kph speed limit that my spare tire carries. That’s about 50 mph and I was on a freeway with a 70 mph speed limit. Thank god the Americans know how to build highways – with four full lanes of traffic in each direction I was easy to pass. And pass me they did – semi trailers, trucks pulling huge campers, and little old ladies. When the road got a bit rough I worried with every bump. But finally I made it to Marysville and in less than 30 minutes I was on my way with a new tire.

I finally arrived at the Three Rivers Rescue around 2:30 – about three hours later than I’d planned. And there I got my first full look at Rain. She is absolutely gorgeous, the most beautiful markings I’ve ever seen. She’s also a total suck and a love-bunny! We took her outside and did the paperwork for the adoption. Kim filled me in on her background and gave me some tips on what to expect as she settles in. Then she was introduced to her new crate in the car and we headed North to Banfield where she had an appointment for a rabies shot (needed to cross the border). She handled the crate just fine, was very nervous (but still adorable) at the vet, and despite hitting lots of traffic the ride home was uneventful. We did make a couple pit stops but she didn’t drink, eat, or eliminate – still too nervous at all the new happenings.

We finally got home just before 9 pm – almost 13 hours after I left! But the kids adored her on sight, she was fantastic with them, and even Husband seemed smitten. She’s a timid girl and quite submissive but in the 36 hours she’s been here she has opened up a bit. She is eating, drinking, eliminating and was positively bouncy on our walk this morning. She is learning to play fetch (either that or just deciding it’s okay here) and I’m planning on taking her for a run tomorrow. She is great on a leash and much fun to walk with.

The kids fight over who gets to walk her, are still trying desperately to lure her outside to play (she’ll come if I’m there but still too timid to go with just them), and have told me they are so glad we have a dog. I’m so very happy, loving the excuse to go for early morning walks, when the air is cool and humid and the forest is filled with birdsong. I couldn’t be happier with her, and I think she’s pretty happy too.

Summer Classes and Looking Ahead

The “school year” has ended for Daughter – her homelearning program wrapped up, we spent the last of our learning funds (got a spiffy new microscope, Spore, and a whack of books), and I completed the Annual Review report. The final submission by her Learning Consultant detailed her successes in reading, science, and even physical confidence (learning to skate was huge for her). 

And while she accomplished much this year, what she didn’t do was any formal classes. She did take half a term at the local Arts Academy where she completed a study of Matisse and produced a frame-worthy reproduction of Matisse’s Goldfish. But after that she didn’t want to go back and we haven’t done any classes since. For whatever reason she seemed to need a break and so I respected that. But now I’m thinking it’s time for her to get back in the water, so to speak. She’s learning so much and it would greatly enhance her learning to be able to share it with others (besides me and her not-always-interested younger brother).

Now summer is here and the local University is offering summer camp courses. Daughter agreed to sign up for two of them: one is a creative arts class where they will be making crafts using natural objects (stone, wood, etc). The other is a science course focusing on Natural History. Each course is five days long, 3 hours each day. I think it will be a good step back into the group-learning setting as it’s for a short time only, focussed study on her favorite topics, and I’m assuming her fellow students will be equally enthusiastic about the subject matter.

I’m hoping that, if she enjoys the experience, she’ll be willing to try some new courses of study come the Fall. Unfortunately there isn’t much close by for her, so I’ll have to stretch myself to see what I can find. Either that or get used to driving across town once a week!

I have, however, taken on a new role as one of the executives of our local Homelearners Chapter of the BC Young Naturalists Club. We joined up last year and enjoyed the outings but didn’t make it to many due to some administrative issues. So this year I plan to go to many more of them (and hopefully Son will be mature enough to tag along without being a disruption). 

Finally, my boy finished his last day of preschool today (it was a farewell party). I will post soon with a review of the experience, but I’m also excited for him. This Fall he’ll definitely be doing some Martial Arts and any other physical things we can find for him (I’m thinking of a dance class as he loves to move his body around!). In the meantime we’re going to enjoy the Summer with lots of outdoor time, camping, gardening, and trips to the beach!

Adding to the Family

I grew up always having a dog or dogs in the family. I love dogs. When I was in University and living with a long-term boyfriend we adopted a lovely dog. We trained her well and she was a joy to take everywhere. When we broke up he kept her, as per our original agreement, and I moved to the US for a while to pursue my career.

Husband and I often talked about having a dog one day, but with babies and toddlers life was far too busy to even consider it. Lately, however, the pace of life has slowed down a great deal and I’ve been yearning to bring a dog into our lives. I had a good discussion with our landlords about how I would care for and train the dog and eventually they were convinced that I would be responsible, so they said yes. Our yard is huge but not fully fenced so my first task was to come up with a plan for some inexpensive, non-permanent fencing options. After much research I settled on wire square mesh fencing with metal posts that can sink readily into lawn and soil. I’ve ordered the materials and they will arrive in a few days – so soon I’ll be indulging my inner landscaper and putting up about 60 feet of fencing.

I’ve also been perusing dog adoption sites – I’m a mongrel fan – but haven’t found what I’m looking for yet. There is one dog that I found today that I am keeping my eye on, but I have promised myself not to move on anything until the fence is built. I hope to have that done by the end of next week – if she’s still available and our visit goes well, I may have a new dog to show you!

Husband is a bit leery of the idea, but after much discussion has agreed to let me go ahead with this. I will be taking on all the responsibilities – this will be “my” dog. I am very much looking forward to taking her running with me, hiking, and on walks to the local park to join the other neighbourhood dog owners. I’m very excited and will keep you posted on how it all goes!

Walking the Walk: camping season

The premise behind my blog title is that by having kids who don’t go to school, and parents who work independently from home, we are not subject to the usual weekly schedules of most folks. We don’t have to crowd all the “fun stuff” into weekends and statutory holidays, we don’t need to wake up early, there is no “morning rush” in our house…it brings a great deal of freedom. Most enjoyable is the freedom to seize a day of great weather by making outdoor plans on the spur of the moment.

Last year DH was working outside the home for most of the summer, and we took only a handful of camping trips. This year we have a trailer and were eager to get out and use it as much as possible during the season. And so I am pleased to report we have already gone out twice and plan many more excursions. We are now “walking the walk” when it comes to Summer Fun.

The first outing was over the Victoria Day long weekend – but we left early Thursday afternoon and encountered little traffic. We drove about 8 hours North where MIL runs a small campground/RV park. It was a great chance to test-drive the trailer while having a fully functional house to stay in should things go awry. We discovered that our water heater had not survived the winter, for example. The kids had a ball there, basically had free run of the place and managed to stay out of trouble.

They played on Grandma’s trampoline:

They went fishing off the pier:

They rode a deck-boat across the lake to the local pizza place and ate dinner on the way back:

It was a very relaxing weekend and I proved myself to be quite handy when it came to fixing things on the trailer (there wasn’t much – patched a couple water lines that had been damaged over winter – but I’m still proud). [And are we noticing a theme here about winterizing? (or not, as the case turned out to be) Warning: when your DH says "my buddy says I don't need to do anything", continue to shove RV Owner's Handbook in his face until he says otherwise].

We had only been back 48 hours when the weather forecast predicted the next day to be a spectacular one. DH wanted to finish a project he was working on but me and the kids were free. I took the truck, the trailer, and the kiddos and headed about 1.5 hours outside of town to a lovely lakefront campground. DH joined us the next day and we left on Saturday, well before the end-of-weekend rush.

So this past week I felt like we were truly taking advantage of our lifestyle – able to head out on a trip on short notice, as the weather brings promise of a good time. I’m not concerned about beating the rush to book a campground site for the three or four big long weekends – we’ll simply go during the week. I have to say that having a trailer also makes it so much easier to pack for such trips: I just need to toss some clothes in a couple hampers, the kids throw some toy bins in the trailer, a quick stop at the grocery store (before or on the way) and we’re off!

Is this the Good Life or what?

We had another wonderful day out in nature with our friends today. They live in the beautiful Fraser Valley, a region of farmland and woodsy areas with a backdrop of gorgeous snow-capped mountains. First we went inside to see the chicks (who are looking a whole lot like full-grown chickens!) and to have some lunch (the chicks are awaiting slightly warmer temps to be moved to their new coop). Then we headed down the road, where the kids often stopped to look at dandilions and other interesting things:

I even got my horsey fix by petting some of the neighbours’ lovely critters who watched us curiously from the fenceline. We saw lambs, free-roaming chickens, and peacocks as well.

We got to the creek and the kids started right away collecting Caddisfly larvae. These interesting little critters stick bits of sand and rock around themselves to form a protective shell. There were hundreds of them and the kids began to gather quite a collection:

They then played with rocks and sticks, built dams, explored under logs and rocks, and generally had a wonderful time for over 2 hours before we convinced them reluctantly to head home.

It is truly wonderful to just sit and be present while children while they explore. Their curiosity and interest is beautiful to witness, not to mention their creativity. The time passed by without incident, without boredom, without resistance…the other mama and myself commented “Over 2 hours here, they aren’t done yet, and not a Toy in sight!”.