And then reality sets in. (Part 3 of 3)

Well, there I was with this grand idea that I’d stay here with the kids. Between the 2 grandparents, and now 3 with MIL arriving from overseas and insisting she’s here to stay, I figured I had enough child care options to make it all work for me.

Then, the night before last, DS was really restless during the night. I was getting irritated by it, and DH’s snoring wasn’t helping. Finally, he moved out to the sofa so we could all get some sleep. And while he was out there, I performed a “thought experiment”. I imagined that he wasn’t out there in the living room, but rather, he was 3000 miles away in Boston.

And instantly, I felt so alone.

I was shocked, actually, at my reaction. I felt like the only adult, with nobody to talk to. All the little interactions DH and I have every day suddenly become more obvious to me; apparently I have taken them for granted. It’s hard to describe exactly what I mean by “lonely”, but suffice it to say that I missed him terribly, and all of a sudden I wasn’t sure that letting him go off to Boston alone was the right solution.

The next morning while I was getting showered and dressed, DH and the two kids were rough-housing on the bed. There were squeals of laughter and big, belly laughs from DH. The usual sounds of our household. And I thought how empty the household would be without those sounds. How could I imagine taking this away from the kids, from DH, from [i]me[/i]! I couldn’t. And I realized that being apart like that for a year just isn’t an option. We are nothing if we aren’t a family. I just don’t think I’m going to be able to do it.

And so, once again, I’m faced with the looming possibility that in a few short weeks we will all be uprooting and moving across the continent. AGAIN. Only this time, if we do this, we won’t be paying for it ourselves and we are going to do it properly. AND…no more putting stuff in storage here and living in temporary accomodations like we did in Cleveland. While I enjoyed the retro, Archie Bunker theme of our second-hand, thrift-shop furnished home there (all of which was junked when we left, having been almost throughly destroyed by DD, lol) I simply can’t do that anymore. I feel too old for that. We’ve had a real home here, at least that is what this place has felt like, and I’m not prepared to give that up again.

I’m thinking we’d be in Boston for 1 or 2 years, just long enough to pay off our debts and build up a nice downpayment so we can come back here and buy a place. By then, DH will have more (and, importantly, current) job experience and shouldn’t have trouble finding work here. But when I asked DH how long he expected to be in Boston, he said “Three to five years”. Wow. That’s a long time to be away from home.

What am I going to do with myself there? Can I work? And if so, who is going to look after the kids? The thought of hiring some stranger to nanny them or whatever just fills me with apprehension. And even though I have DS on a list for toddler preschool next fall, I’d already pretty much decided not to do it. I want to be with him more – it’s such a great age and I always feel robbed of time with him as it is. But with no family in Boston, unless I put him in some kind of care arrangement, I’ll have no ability to work.

And in that vein, I don’t even know if I [i]can[/i] work. TN Visa’s are for specific job descriptions, and I’m pretty sure full-time ones at that. I don’t know if I’d be allowed to hold a part-time college teaching job there. So what the heck would I do? And, it goes without saying that I couldn’t start my business there. With no connections, either academically or in the legal profession, not to mention a town like Boston is flooded with scientists, there is just no way I could make a go of it there.

I told DH to phone the two local companies today and apprise them of the developments. Find out if they are still considering him and, if so, what their timeline of action is. I feel as though these are our last hope for staying here, and so needless to say my stomach is in knots today and I’ll be increasingly anxious until I hear from DH what they said. Fortunately, I’ve a bush day today, so hopefully it will go by quickly.

Sigh. Will this uncertainty about our lives [i]ever[/i] end?

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