I admit it, deep in my heart I’m a bit of a pessimist. I always worry when things are “too good”, that something bad is going to happen. I already feel as if things are so good that we are due for something crappy to happen. Like 6 months of unemployment wasn’t it! On the bright side, if I have to keep reminding myself that we’ve just been through an emotional roller-coaster ride, then I guess we weathered it okay. Between the fact that our marriage not only survived the last 3.5 years of economic uncertainty and instability, but thrived…and the fact that DH didn’t just get a job, he got his “dream job”, and the fact that I’m starting my own business and already its looking like it could be an extremely lucrative prospect…well, I guess I just figure something bad has to happen.
It doesn’t help to read stories like that of Dana Reeve. The wife of Christopher Reeve, she already went through his accident, quadraplegia, and his recent death, but she ended up with lung cancer and she never even smoked!! She recently died. She had a son, he was only 13. Imagine this poor kid losing both his parents at his age. It’s my worst nightmare: dying when my kids are young. And what did this amazing woman ever do to deserve such a rotten handout? By all accounts she was a saint. Not that it matters: I don’t believe in the heavenly “sticker chart” of gold stars and Mr. Yuck symbols. Still, it’s depressing.
This might sound strange coming from a decided secularist (actually, I don’t know what to call myself…I’m the exact opposite of “religion”). Life is just that, life. There is no “fairness”, it’s all the luck of the draw, the probability functions of the universe churning away. I actually don’t believe in randomness, only perceived randomness. I think with knowledge of all the variables, you could predict the outcome of any event. But I’m okay with perceived randomness, and perceived “free will”. There is no rhyme or reason about it. Life just is. And most of the time, I enjoy it for what it is. I’ll worry about the afterlife when I get there, and if there is no afterlife what will I care? I will no longer exist. It’s a win-win situation, AFAIC.
Okay, back to the discussion at hand…In comparison to so many people on this vast planet and throughout history, my life has been amazingly “easy”. I lost my beloved brother in an accident, and while that was definitely a horrible thing to go through, it’s also the only such thing I’ve ever had to endure in my life. Now I freak out that my kids will get diagnosed with some horrible illness and die in my arms. Or that my overweight husband will have a heart attack and leave me alone and a single mother (the diet has already begun). Or that I’ll get diagnosed with some awful disease and have to explain to a toddler and a preschooler that I’m leaving forever and they’ll never see me again. These are the stuff of my nightmares.
Why is it so hard to just be happy and enjoy when life is good? I’m going to try harder at this. There is just so much great stuff going on in my life right now, and so much to look forward to in the very near future!