(those of you familiar with Lotto 6/49 commercials will get the title, though I”m using the Royal “we” because I’m going alone)…
So, yes I’m going to Cleveland. I really wanted to do this, and I feel confident that my kids (particularly DS) will weather this okay. I’m very excited, though it is continually tinged with sadness at how much I am going to miss my children, and secret fears of anything happening to me (which I try to dismiss b/c what possible use are such thoughts). The break and rare opportunity for a lengthy break (not to mention a complete night’s sleep) is very exciting.
I also scored a personal coup. Turns out I was wrong that DocR was offering me a hotel room. He was offering me a futon at his house. I’ve always stayed there, but this time it is different. I figured if I’m going to take this huge step and leave my kids, I’m going to want to savour this first opportunity for privacy and solace. DH said if I were any other consultant I’d be put up in a hotel, so he thought I should not hesitate to ask. My mother said it would be hurtful and disrespectful to DocR to say, basically, I don’t want to stay with you and your family; she said suck it up. I don’t want to hurt or upset him; he has been incredibly good to me. So I told him it was fine, but as I started to think about the logistics of my trip I realized this wasn’t going to work. I hadn’t thought about pumping. Yes, breastfeeding snagged me a luxury hotel room (think I should add this to the official La Leche League list of Breastfeeding Benefits?), lol.
See, DS is still breastfeeding, and so I will have to bring my breast pump to relieve engorgement and to keep my milk supply up. I *think* I’ll be able to make it through the whole work day if I pump in the morning, but given that DS has recently upped his day nursing, I may even need to pump during the day. I will definitely have to pump before dinner. And since DocR lives clear on the other side of town from work, it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to do this. So having a place close to work (downtown) is necessary. Bringing my pump to work just wouldn’t work. There’s nowhere to pump, and the parts need to be cleaned and air dried afterwards. When I explained it to him he was fine about it, and said they’d get me a hotel. Turns out I’m staying at a nice place! Yay for me. Unfortunately, I’ll be busy enough that I’m not going to be there much, but it will be a big relief to have my breast pump and some privacy close by.
It was very hard for me to ask DocR for the hotel. Even though “I deserve it” and even though any other visitor would have one, and even though I have a legitimate reason, I still felt like I was asking him for a “favour”. I really need to work on my self-worth issues. For example, everyone I’ve told about this trip has immediately commented on how proud I must feel that I am needed so much and that they are wanting ME for this. And yet it’s been the last thing on my mind. I can’t help but view it as them doing me a favour. I was so nervous on the phone with him, and had to rehearse beforehand and struggle not to babble nervously. Now I’m paranoid that he hates me . I’m a putz.