With all the reasons listed in the post above you may wonder why I’m giving any consideration at all to having another baby. I ask myself this question every day. And every day I’m plagued with these thoughts…
It started when a met a woman at our LLL meeting who is about my age, has two older children (ages 6 and 7) and who is expecting her “surprise”. She is quite excited about it, as her other two are old enough to help out, not need her so much, and having been the mother of two young’uns she’ll appreciate that having only one is like a freakin’ vacation.
Then one morning I was lying in bed dreaming about our acreage. Imagining my two homeschooled children exploring together, wandering through the property playing…and suddenly it seemed to me that there simply weren’t enough of them. That surely, since they won’t be going to school and will be spending at least half their time on a property that will likely have few, if any, neighbours nearby (with young kids to boot), they need more playmates. In a fit of insanity I told my DH I wanted another child. He looked at me as if he didn’t recognize me, then slowly understanding dawned across his face…”you’re ovulating, aren’t you?” he said. Damn if he wasn’t right, lol.
And yet, the thought wouldn’t leave. I began to come up with all the reasons why I shouldn’t, but the thought wouldn’t go away. My friend, who is a year older than I am, has just found out she’s expecting #2. It’s been a long, hard-fought fertility battle for her and she is as thrilled as can be, despite her “advanced age”, lol. My very first thought was “if she can have one, so can I, and we could do it together!”. And today I was coming out of a store with DD and I saw a man get out of a car followed by three kids. The youngest was about DD’s age, followed by a boy of about 6 and a girl of about 8. There was no stroller, and all three happily followed their Dad, who was not concerned about them running into traffic, or taking off towards the parkade exit. As if the picture wasn’t sweet enough, the boy hopped on his older sister’s back for a piggy-back ride into the store. That sight put me over the top and my heart just melted. And the whole way home all I could think was “yes, it will suck. but only for a couple of years. and then you’ll have THAT”. My two kids are playing so well together; DS is starting to role-play and nothing has made DD happier than to have someone interact with her and her dinosaurs. The two of them are so very close and it warms my heart so much. How nice to give them another sibling with whom to be so close, and with whom to share future adventures.
And finally, seeing that family walking into the store drove home one very important point: the “tough part” about having a third will only last a short time. I only have to “suffer” for another couple of years, and then we have the rest of our lives to enjoy our three children. I admit I love the idea of adding to our gang. And I love the idea of a crowded family table, especially when the kids are older and have spouses and families of their own. And, there is of course the morbid thought that I lost my brother 10 years ago and have been an “only” ever since…There have been many moments lately when my children have brought me immense joy as individuals with whom I can converse. Taking the bus with them to the park the other day was so much fun – no strollers, just a light backpack. I imagine having three that are older and it seems like it, too, would be alot of fun. It’s just getting to that point I’m worried about. Yet in the context of a lifetime with three kids, it seems a small price to pay. All that will be forgotten in a relatively short time.
I don’t know that I’m ever going to make a conscious decision about this. Part of me is convinced that this is it, and all these thoughts are just that – the musings of a woman who is nearing the end of her fertility. As for DH, he still hasn’t had his vasectomy, though he claims he’s giving it alot more thought now that my libido has returned to full-form (and that is something he’s not thrilled about giving up again, lol). He says “if it happens, it happens” and that’s as committed an answer as I’ll get from him. We’re not being that careful, but then these days it’s so obvious when I’m ovulating that it isn’t as risky as it used to be, either. So part of me says “hey, just keep going the way you’re going and if it happens it does, if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be”. I guess I’m afraid that I’m going to end up wanting one and then be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. Another part of me wants to forget about all this and just enjoy what I have and move on. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have these thoughts, but I suspect this may be something I just need to process in order to move on after all.