Man, I am going through some weird phase of my life – I can’t seem to make my mind up about anything! Is this what happens in your midlife? Your brain turns to mush??
Last night I went to my knitting group. We met at a funky little tea shop in a hip part of town. Two of the mamas there will be joining our homelearning group this fall, and I was thinking what a nice community we’re building. As I drove home watching the sun set over the mountains, sparkling off the water, shining on the glass walls of the highrises, and seeing all the people out everywhere…I felt this sudden pang of fear about moving to the island. Of course, I always seem to enjoy the city most when I’m out without my kids! But still…people are telling me stories about winter isolation, and ferry woes, and I’m wondering if I really appreciate the reality of what moving to this island will be like.
In a related story….last night was also supposed to be “babymaking” time. I’m fertile right now, and was so eager to see if we could “hit the bullseye”, so to speak. But then as I drove home I got a sudden attack of cold feet. By the time I got home I just couldn’t go through with it. Now I’m having doubts about doing this baby thing all over again!
Today my mother’s helper came and it was with relief that I dropped them all off at the Aquarium (DD is adjusting to earlier wakeup times and has been a real handful the last couple of days). I went to my office to do some work. It was nice! I sat and listened to the summer rainstorm pattering on the glass windows – all was peaceful. I chatted with my friend whose son is a teenager…suddenly, going back and doing the baby thing all over again seemed silly. I’ve BTDT, twice. Why not jump into the next stage of life?
I think I’m stuck between two worlds right now. When I’m around my friends with newborns, the pregnant 40-somethings, I’m all over the idea of having another. But when I’m around the “I’m done” crowd, there seems to be a lot to offer there, too. And today I suddenly realized that if I am done, then I have a life of my own to start thinking about again! Yes, I’m a stay-home mother, and a homeschooling mother, but I could easily take a couple half-days a week off to pursue my business or some other paying gig. DH and I have talked off and on about getting an Au Pair, and I admit the idea is tempting…I could take time off whenever I needed it, and have an extra pair of hands around when I don’t. ‘Course the idea made more sense when we thought we might have 3 kids…
Well, faithful readers, I will say this – I’m not depressed or upset or stressed, so don’t think I’m blue. I’m actually feeling really happy lately. Although I seem incapable of making a decision about anything these days, I feel blessed to have so many options available. So while you’ve probably all figured out by now that I don’t know what I want (despite my endless attempts at rationalization), please don’t think I’m feeling down. DH and I are having lots of fun discussing these endless plans – it may not be productive, but it is romantic!