Fate

I’m not a religious person. I don’t believe in any “powers” that are not of this natural world. I do believe, however, that there is alot about this natural world and the forces in it (forms of energy, etc.) that we don’t yet fully understand, and those that we have no idea even exist. Thus, there is room in my world view for the concept of certain things, like premonitions, some kinds of “psychic” ability, and a “sixth sense” sort of perception. Heck, anybody with an interest in quantum physics (like myself – see my LibraryThing list) sees that there is plenty of room for the unexplained in standard science!

I am not, nor have I ever considered myself to be, one of those perceptive people who get feelings about certain things, or who get a sense of what is to come. I have never sensed “presences” for example. However, I have always been the type that visualizes outcomes in my head as a means of obtaining a goal. When I was in grade 7, virtually all my friends were applying to a certain high school and I wanted to go there too. You had to take an entrance exam. I always “knew” I would pass. I simply couldn’t envision any other outcome. And pass I did. Same thing happened with university. I only applied to one place because that is where I wanted to go and I really couldn’t see myself anywhere else. And I got in. It’s not so much that I didn’t have doubts, that I didn’t feel nervous when taking the tests or filling out applications, it’s just that in my mind’s eye I was having trouble “seeing” myself in any other situation.

All my life, for the myriad situations that have played out this way, I always assumed that I was setting myself up to succeed by sheer determination and will. That the process of clearly envisioning an outcome was key to acheiving it. But recently I’ve begun to wonder if it wasn’t the other way around – that I felt that way because it was the most likely outcome (think: many worlds theorem). After all, there have been times when I’ve desired a particular outcome but was unable to get myself into that state where I couldn’t envision anything different. It made me think that this wasn’t something I was doing, so much as something I was receiving, if that makes sense without sounding too kooky.

The latest experience was this whole baby-making fiasco. All the while I flitted back and forth between wanting a third baby and not wanting a third baby. Yet even when we’d decided to go ahead and try, even when I was taking 3 pregnancy tests in one week last month…I just couldn’t see myself pregnant. I couldn’t see that stick turning blue, as they say. And that always nagged at me in the back of my mind.

Yesterday I came across an opportunity to rent a house in the Valley (a rural area outside town) with the option to purchase next year. Everything about the place sounded perfect for us. I responded with much more information than I had been up until that point, and when I spoke to the woman she said we were in the running with one other applicant (a couple with no kids). I’m nervous about being chosen, but I’m also getting that feeling again – that this is the place for us. Even today when another listing came up that sounded good, I found myself not wanting to reply. I did, but only with cursory information. I just have a feeling about this first place and that it’s “the one” for us.

So we’ll see how it all turns out, and whether my own “sixth sense” has come true. I’m very excited about it! But I’m not going to gush about the details until it’s ours. We view it on Sunday and will know then if we get it. Fingers crossed everybody!

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