We’ve recently come back from a four-day holiday at a remote cabin site with no electricity. The weekend can best be described as stress and chaos interspersed with all too few moments of calm. In the midst of the tantrums, the screaming, the throwing of objects, and the tears (mine and theirs) I felt tossed and turned on a sea of insecurity and doubt. Where had I gone wrong? Had I failed my children? Were they so disabled and dysfunctional that the basic dream of a family getaway with friends was, for our family, just a pipe dream? Had my parenting somehow robbed my children of the ability to cope with anything outside of their home environment?
Now that we are back and I’ve had a chance to think over what happened, I’m feeling less panicked about where to go from here. That last night before we all packed up to go home, my children miraculously emerged from the cabin and actually interacted with the rest of us, sitting by the campfire for cuddles and playing with the other kids on the rocks along the river that lay a few feet from our cabin, while Husband and I enjoyed some snacks and good (uninterrupted!) conversation around the campfire on the river’s edge. My friend noted that it was a shame we all had to go home the next morning, as my kids seemed to be finally coming out of their shells. Back at home, someone else reminded me that, for autistic kids, it’s all about the transitions. You’d think after all these years I would recognize this…but I really didn’t see it until after we came home.
My friend, whose grown-up son has Aspergers, told me that she never took him on a holiday that lasted less than a week, because it would take him 2 to 3 days to adjust to the new environment and routines, after which time he would be fine. They went on holiday expecting the first couple of days to be chaotic. I did not. I did not anticipate that this was a transition and that my kids would need time to adjust. All I saw were kids who couldn’t handle the environment and I despaired. I didn’t stop to think that they would eventually adjust, if given some time to get through the transition.
It’s not that we haven’t travelled before, but almost always the kids have been on board with the plans. In this case, their friends had to cancel and, with no electricity at the cabins, they felt there was really nothing in it for them. In other cases we have gone on holidays and have not experienced such a difficult transition, so I really wasn’t prepared for this one. In the future, we will make sure that if the kids are not really on board with the plans, we stay long enough for them to get through the transition phase. Also, we will go into it with the expectation that the kids will need a lot of support, and that the grownups will have to wait a couple days to enjoy their down time. We feel that it’s important to expose them to this situation once in a while (i.e., a holiday or trip that isn’t on their agenda) in order to give them practice at adjusting to such situations. Hopefully, with the right expectations, the next time won’t be so hard on all of us.