Unschooling the Tween

I’ve had a big epiphany recently: my daughter is a Tween. This has gotten me thinking about the next phase of unschooling and what that will look like for her. I’m somewhat prepared for this, having been an avid reader of Miranda’s Nurtured by Love blog for years. It’s been fascinating to read about what unschooling looks like as her children have entered their tweens and teens.

Unschooling young children is easy if you follow the belief that “Play is a child’s work”.

The field of developmental psychology has provided plentiful evidence about the importance of play to all aspects of a child’s development. All young mammals play, and all do so to prepare for adult life. They learn the skills they need to learn while playing, and human children are no exception. To unschool your young children all you really need is 1) exposure to a variety of experiences (books, field trips, ideas, activities) and 2) oodles of free, unstructured time. It doesn’t really get more complicated than that. But I’m finding (and have read this before) that Daughter is starting to show signs of that not being enough for her. It’s not that unschooling isn’t working, it’s that what unschooling looks like is changing for her.

Play was her work for so long, but she is showing signs of wanting something that might more closely resemble what we adults might consider as work. Not in the sense of bringing home an income for meaningless and unfulfilling labour, but of engaging more deeply with one’s interests and passions. Of taking things to the next level: more complexity, more structure, longer timelines. She’s not at the point where she is thinking and planning about “what she’ll be when she grows up” – that, from what I understand, will start to appear in the early teen years. And here I go off on an interesting tangent…

The notion of adolescence is, I believe, an artificial construct of our societal structure, where youth are kept segregated from society by forced education and laws that prevent them from participating fully in the adult world. It’s a vicious circle: the kids are kept out of the adult world just when their natural programming is driving them to take on more responsibility and independence. So then they create their own world (so-called “youth culture”), and often the goals of their culture conflict with adult culture, and then adults decide that kids are not capable of adult responsibility and so pass more laws to deny them opportunities to participate in that world. These days many consider even 20-somethings to be immature and irresponsible.

Miranda first brought this issue to my attention (see this blog post) and I highly recommend the book The Case Against Adolescence. You can skip the parts where the author condones corporal punishment, and I think some of his proposed solutions are impractical, but he does a great job of explaining how we, as a society, infantilize our youth such that many of them (and I include myself in that category) lack the maturity and experience to really start thinking about, say, beginning a family until well into their 30′s. Biologically and historically they are ready for that in their teen years.

This young girl is responsible and experienced enough to care for her siblings.

Apprenticeships for young people are undervalued in our modern culture.

So what happens when that infantilization process is removed? What is the natural course of evolution from childhood to adulthood? What does that transition really look like? Unschooling allows us to observe this natural process and I have found the results to be fascinating.

Based on descriptions of this process by people I know in real life, as well as bloggers like Miranda, it appears that some time around the early teen years kids start to think ahead about what they want to do and where they want to go in life. They start working on more complex timelines than just “what do I feel like doing today?”. Some of them may start to want more structure in their lives, more focussed time to devote to specific projects or activities that have a longer term goal. They may choose to attack a goal from multiple angles. At this point simply “playing” for the joy of it doesn’t quite cut it for them anymore, though hopefully we all retain some play time in our lives even as adults! Tweens are caught between this world of Childhood Work (free, unstructured time) and Adult Work (focussed activity that takes place over much longer timelines).

I’ll share a couple of observations about Daughter that led me to realize she is beginning to make this transition herself. I’ve noticed over the last few months that she is engaging in more complex projects that require more time. It’s no longer something that can be done in a couple hours one day on a whim, but requires repeated effort spread out over time. Her work becomes more focussed, with more depth to it. For example, she is writing stories and comics with more complex roles for her characters, more complex story lines, deeper emotions. She’s thinking over the longer term, and enjoying challenging herself to take things to the next level. Her recent foray into portrait work has been an example of this: she draws, she critiques herself, she reads up on techniques, she draws again…it just doesn’t have the same look or feeling about it as when she was a child and would just pick up some crayons and paper and draw something on a whim.

The second observation is about her scheduled activities. She hasn’t taken any classes since a clay class last term she begrudgingly did with me. She didn’t enjoy it and doesn’t want to do any more. The problem? She didn’t want to be told what to make, she wanted to create and have someone show her techniques that were relevant to what she wanted to do. She wanted to go into depth about the techniques that interested her. She isn’t getting this from the typical art class for youngsters anymore. She doesn’t need a “teacher”, she needs a mentor. Suddenly I’m looking around and finding myself saying exactly what I’ve heard other Tween homeschooling mums say “There’s nothing out there for him/her!”. A group of us half-joked on Facebook that what we needed was a Tween University. The kids are ready to get more focussed and in-depth with regard to their interests, but they are too young for college and too old for the community centre-type classes offered as “after school” activities (a time when most kids are ready to chill out, not focus on meaningful work or study).

If attending University can be considered a kind of Work, then what we need for Daughter is a job. Not meaningless and unfulfilling labour for the sake of a paycheque, but dedicated time to focus on something she is passionate about and wants to immerse herself in more deeply, in an atmosphere where she will be exposed to others who share her passion. For a child who struggles to socialize just for the sake of socializing, this would provide a much better environment for her in which to make friends. Young kids are often brought together for the sake of playing together and socializing. For the last year we have been attending a weekly get-together with our homeschooling community that is set up for this purpose. A few activities may be present but the main point is to socialize. It isn’t working for either of my kids, but for Daughter I’d assumed it was due to her Asperger-related issues. Recently, after a few good conversations with her, I’ve come to realize that that isn’t the issue. She’s just bored. She is no longer interested in just “playing” with a group of kids. She wants more purpose to her socializing. She wants to meet people who share her interests and passions. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Daughter is becoming a person who prefers to do something interesting and meaningful and have friendships arise as a result of that, rather than go somewhere with the specific intention of “meeting people and making friends”. I see this as a sign of maturation.

One of the things we are actively looking into is finding some art studio time for Daughter. Ideally she would go twice a week for a couple of hours each time to work on a project of her choosing with a mentor who could teach her the techniques she is interested in and go as deep into the subject as she desires. I may have stumbled upon someone here who could fulfill that role, and she also happens to do Art Therapy and works with kids “on the spectrum”. She may therefore be a good fit for Daughter in the role as mentor. I’m meeting with her next week to discuss whether we can make this work.

Ideally I’d love to find a similar situation for science work, her other passion. It’s hard enough to set up a proper laboratory in the home, let alone a home as tiny as ours. I am doubtful of finding anything like that for her, but it’s mulling around in my head and I hope some solutions may present themselves.

Meanwhile Daughter is keeping herself very busy at home and I’m not short of things to report on for my weekly homeschool program accounting. But I know she would enjoy having some regular, scheduled time for more focussed and in-depth study and I am sure she would benefit greatly from some sort of mentor relationship. In discussing this with her she is intrigued and open to the idea. Hopefully over the next few months we’ll be able to put some things in place and then I can report further on what unschooling a Tween looks like.

Building upon Success

I love the outdoors. Walking through a forest is my version of attending Church; it is the closest I feel to a spiritual experience. From the time my kids were babies I’d take them on regular hikes through the beautiful North Shore mountains. But as they grew past carrying age (and I backpacked my boy until he was over 30 lbs) we started having problems. Son (and sometimes Daughter) would inevitably end up whining, having meltdowns, and my frustration with that lead us to where we are now – with kids who claim to “hate” walking through the outdoors (and we have acres of forest literally right next door to us!).

I eventually gave up on getting them out for regular hikes because it wasn’t worth the battle to get them into the car, the battle around why I can’t carry them back to the car when they decide they’ve had enough, and listening to them talk about how rotten the experience was all the way home. I would shake my head in shame: how did I, someone who loves the outdoors so much, end up with two kids who would rather spend all day inside then be dragged on a walk through the woods? Every once in a while I could convince them to go geocaching – the lure of the prizes in the cache helped – and they would start out enthusiastically…

Trying to keep up with them.

…but it would always end in tears and thus resistance the next time I suggested it.

Daughter is 9 now and is able to understand that for me, hiking is amazing and wonderful and I want to share it with her. So even though she claims to not like it she has actually offered to come with me simply because she knows I like it. I think for her it was more her brother’s meltdowns and my obvious frustration and disappointment that made it unpleasant. So there is hope for her yet. But Son is still very resistant.

Well, I recently had an epiphany on this when I realized that my son tires VERY easily. Low muscle tone combined with an overall lack of interest in physical fitness meant he could not go very far. He’d be done when I was just warming up and so I couldn’t comprehend that he was truly tired, plus in my desire to stay out longer I’d try to plead for more time. He’d give in for a while…

A game of hide-and-seek keeps things going for a while...

…but then have a sudden meltdown. I finally realized that perhaps this was why he claimed to hate hiking – it always ended in misery for him. I thought that if perhaps I honoured his signs of being tired right from the start, rather than trying to wring every last drop of conciliation from him, maybe it would be the world’s shortest hike but at least it would be a positive experience for him.

Recently I managed to convince them to give it a try again. We were going geocaching and they do enjoy getting the little prizes from the cache. I threw in a trip to the coffee shop for hot chocolate afterwards, and I let the dog ride in the back seat with them (instead of in the very back). The final incentive was suggesting that DS bring his video camera – he likes to shoot films. I picked a cache site that was close to the parking spot so we found the cache quickly, then as soon as DS gave a hint that he was done I asked him point blank “Are you ready to go now?”. He said yes, and I said “okay, well that is what we will do then”. It was the first time in ages we’ve ended a hike on a positive note. I’m planning to repeat this and my hope is that when DS can trust that we will go when he is ready, he’ll be less resistant.

Being in charge of the handheld GPS is an incentive.

Taking a break to play Rock, Paper, Scissors.

This is an example of a principle I’ve been trying to keep in the forefront of my mind – creating small successes and building upon them. While it applies to any child, I think it can be particularly helpful for kids on the spectrum who tend to build up anxiety easily when situations don’t go well, and can bring the art of resistance to whole new levels! I could try using coercion – bribery, or using some “currency” of say, computer time, to make them do things. But there are two reasons why I don’t. First, I’ve found that my kids – like, I believe, all kids – can smell an agenda being imposed upon them a mile away. When I’ve tried bribery the kids will do what I’ve asked, but they won’t be into it. They’ll grumble and do the minimum required and maintain their opinion that whatever I made them do must be unpleasant or I wouldn’t have had to bribe them into doing it. Second, it can flat-out backfire if they decide that the bribe isn’t worth it. I’m left having to either give up or up the ante, which leaves me feeling rather used and manipulated myself. Instead, by finding ways to make it more fun for them, by distracting them from their anxieties about the newness of it, or past their preconceived notions about how it will turn out, I free them up to make their own minds up about it all. A child who isn’t feeling bribed into something is more free to form their own opinions, in my experience.

My hope is that these small hikes – the last one was less than 30 minutes – are creating positive associations with the experience. In time I’m hoping that they will be able to go for longer periods and will be more willing to come out with me when I ask because they know they won’t be pushed beyond their limits.

We do it for the Lifestyle

I went to get a haircut the other day. It was one of those rare occasions when Husband was home on a weekday so I ran to the nearest “quick cuts” type place to get a trim. The lady cutting my hair began chatting me up and when she heard my kids were homeschooled she asked, in a puzzled voice, why we decided to do that.

This question always stumps me because there are so many reasons why we homeschool. I never knew where to start: if I criticize the school system I risk offending the person if they have kids in school, if I talk about wanting to be a larger influence in my kids’ lives or just wanting to not waste the precious few years I have with them I risk offending working parents. If I talk about Natural Learning I will inevitably end up in that tired old discussion that starts out with “well what about Math?”. But this time, in a rare moment of inspiration that arrived when I actually needed it and not an hour later, I answered with “it’s a great lifestyle”.

Because really, without going into a debate about government-run institutions deciding what our children should know (and, by inference, not know), about the abnormal social dynamics of peer-segregated environments with very low adult:child rations, about the commercialization of childhood and how schools (and TV, mind you) foster it…the simplest answer is that I love this lifestyle.

I love that we don’t have morning rushes. We get up when our bodies tell us we’ve had enough sleep (unless we have an early appointment, which is not often). We eat a wholesome, home-cooked breakfast when we are hungry and not in anticipation of when we may next be allowed to eat. We often plan our days based on the weather, taking advantage of a sunny day to drop everything and go to the park or the beach, or deciding upon waking to a rainy, dreary day to stay home and bake cookies and do crafts. I love that the kids spontaneously invent fun things to do at home, and are able to pick something up the moment inspiration hits them.

I love that we spend so much time together as a family, and that the people we associate with come in families, too. I love that they have friends of different ages and that they see adults as just another person to talk to rather than a group of authority figures that warrant suspicion. I love that we can go places when others are in school or at work and have the place to ourselves. I love that weekends are quiet family time with very few planned outings – for most other families these are the hectic two days when one tries to fit in everything that can’t be done during the week while trying to connect with kids they have barely seen for the last five days.

I love that my kids take charge of their learning, are curious, and do not hesitate to seek out information on whatever topic happens to interest them. I love that taking my kids to an activity means connecting with other parents that “get” me and our lifestyle. I love how individual homeschooled kids are, how little they care for being like everybody else, and how tolerant they are of differences.

It’s a relief to be able to sum up that question in one simple concept. And doing so made me realize all over again just how much I love homeschooling, and how incredibly fortunate I feel to be able to do it.

Unschooling Autism

One of the things I love about blogging (writing) is that often a question that has been floating around in my mind gets answered in the process of putting my thoughts into text. Today’s post is a perfect example of this: I began writing this post thinking I needed some answers, but ended up discovering that I was answering my own questions with what I wrote.

Since realizing that my kids are “on the spectrum” I’ve begun to think about unschooling and how that may apply to kids like mine as they get older and move beyond play-based learning to learning in a more applied fashion. The fundamental premise of unschooling is that children are hard-wired to be curious about their world, to seek out information, to acquire the skills they will need to function in their society as adults. When not coerced, when given the freedom to follow their instincts, Natural Learning ensures that children will learn what they need to know, when they need to know it. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed unschooling my kids, and the years so far have been, in my opinion, a success. My kids can both read and write. They can do basic math and have are interested in a variety of topics related to science and history, for example. Importantly, they ask lots of questions, initiate interesting conversations about things in their world, are curious and have a desire to understand those things that draw their attention.

These are good starts, to be sure, but they are getting older and, knowing that they are dealing with certain issues that neurotypical kids are not, I began to wonder for how much longer unschooling would serve them. With Daughter, I worried that her anxiety and rigid thinking would limit her experiences and exposure to things that could broaden her horizons. Would it be time to start gently insisting on tackling new subjects? With Son, I worried that his narrow focus on things computer and video game related would give him an unbalanced scope of knowledge and skills. Would it be time to put limits on his exploration of those subjects?

I began to write a list of what they are into these days, and was somewhat surprised to see that it wasn’t as limited as I’d thought. They aren’t the selection of things that other kids their age may necessarily be doing, but there is definitely a diversity there. I also realized that I’d fallen victim to the ingrained way of thinking that all of us raised in a school culture are subject to, in comparing the subjects that my kids learn about to their peers in school. The truth is, learning can happen at any age and there is no inherent value in being forced to learn about, say, social studies at a certain grade level when the topic might be explored eagerly at a later age when the interest sparks from within.

I believe that what’s most important for children is to continue to expose them to a variety of topics, but to let them choose what is relevant and meaningful for them at any given time in their life. There is no better way to master any topic than to have it ignite a fire in you, and to have the confidence to pursue that knowledge. My kids have that confidence – they are not afraid of doing their own research, seeking out books and videos and other sources of information to satisfy their intrinsic curiosity. Unschooling is about trusting kids to learn what they need to know, what is relevant for them at that time in their life, and to trust that there are many things out there to learn and that learning takes a lifetime. What’s important is not what selection of facts they know, but that they are curious enough to desire information, have the skills to seek out that information (either on their own or by asking for assistance) and have access to resources to find that information. Being autistic simply means that sometimes they are going to need assistance where another child might not. Daughter may need help overcoming anxiety in order to further explore a topic she finds interesting. Son might need an aid to assist him when working in group settings, or a special class that is designed for kids like him. None of this precludes unschooling.

When I pondered all this I was reminded that one of the best things about unschooling is that, by definition, the individual is the standard. There is no expectation that kids of a certain age are going to know the same things, be skilled to the same extent in the same subjects, or even be interested in the same subjects. When I first began to understand that Son might have some developmental issues, unschooling was the salve that soothed my worries. When I worried that he might fall “behind” in his learning, I then asked myself “behind compared to whom?”. Wherever Son is, that is where he is supposed to be and reminding myself of that was a wonderful relief. His job is to reach his full potential, not some agency’s idea of his potential based on some mythical “average” child of his age and ability.

 

Unscooling parents have an important job to do, and that often gets overlooked in discussions about unschooling. We are facilitators and that requires us to be observant. In our homeschool program, as part of our funding requirements, we submit weekly reports entitled “Observing for Learning”. It’s an exercise of sorts for parents. It’s easy for a busy mum to use that precious time when the kids are playing quietly (or not so quietly) without you to focus on household tasks. But I have trained myself over the years to pay attention – not in the “make sure nobody gets hurt or nothing gets destroyed” sense that is part and parcel of the job of motherhood, but rather listening to what they are saying and take a closer look at what they are doing. Then ask them about it. There are many benefits to engaging in this practice, one of which is being able to facilitate learning further. You notice your child is showing an interest in ladybugs and so you go find a book or a toy or a movie that your kid might not know about. Or you organize a science experiment, or facilitate a biology project. Or, if you notice that your child is struggling, you find resources to help them. That is where I leave off today. I’ve seen where my kids are struggling, I’m beginning to understand what they need to continue to grow in their learning, but it’s not about restricting them or taking over control of their learning. It’s about finding support for them so they can continue on their own, unique learning paths.

Winter Crafting

With winter fast approaching the days are much shorter and there is less opportunity (or desire!) to be outside. It’s the time of year when life slows down a bit, and that leaves more time for crafting. I’ve never thought of myself as an artist, but about 7 years ago I learned to knit and liked it so much that I’ve continued dabbling in fibre crafts ever since. There’s something really satisfying about making useful items and knitting while watching a movie means less temptation to snack instead!

I have been knitting and crocheting for a few years now but this past month I added a new crafting technique to my repertoire: needle felting. I’d been interested in it for some time after seeing some of the beautiful creations people can make, but never really got around to trying it until our Learning Centre held a felting class. Now the class was for wet felting (hand-felting wool using soap and water) but one of the families brought their needle felting materials as a few people had suggested that they would prefer that over wet-felting. And so the kids and I learned to needle felt.

Son is too young to do it himself, though he took a few stabs with the felting needle just to try it out. But he is a fan because of the ability to sculpt wool – particularly after he saw another boy’s Minecraft characters that his mother had made for him by needle felting. So for my first project Son helped me make him a Creeper (of course I can’t find it now to take a photo, but will update this post when I do). Now he’s requesting I make a Shadow the Hedgehog doll (he already has Sonic and Tails so I can use them as models). I love the idea of making something special to him, and also of him playing with natural fibres rather than plasticky junk.

Daughter and I both enjoyed needle felting very much. I went out and bought a whole bunch of roving, needles, and a multi-tool and I’ve been practising every now and then. It’s especially nice to do it with Daughter. The Learning Centre has rented a table at a local Christmas Craft Fair and the kids are making crafts to sell, so Daughter and I have been working on some items for that. Here are some of the items I’ve made so far:

While Daughter and I were felting yesterday I explained what roving is (fleece that has been washed and combed out) and how it can be spun into yarn. She suggested that we should get our own sheep so we could make our own roving and yarn. I think it’s a lovely idea and I’m going to look into it further. We could also raise angora rabbits or goats for the same purpose. I would just have one or two of these animals as it would just be for our own use and as a hobby, but it sure would be fun to see the process going from animal to yarn (with roving for felting). Sheep are also great lawnmowers, apparently, and since one of my pet peeves is using lawnmowers (seems ridiculous to burn fossil fuels for aesthetic purposes, but I can’t deny how much better the place looks when the grass is mowed) it would be a doubly-useful animal to have around. And how marvellous to be able to make items from yarn we’ve “raised” ourselves! I’ve always wanted to learn how to spin and dye my own yarn so this would be a good excuse to do so.

Back to Unschooling…

I’m taking a break from my autism-related posts to talk about daily life here at the Freelearners’ Homestead. We’ve been back at it since September (our homeschool program started up) and I wanted to share some of the things we’ve been up to. I find so many people who inquire about homeschooling, particularly unschooling, want to see what it looks like in terms of daily life, which is why I do such posts every now and then. Plus it’s nice for me to look back and see where we’ve been and where we’re headed.

Daughter is up to her usual creative pursuits. She is still intensely into drawing, getting out books from the library that show various drawing techniques. She loves the Ed Emberley books, and I confess so do I. Using simple, step by step techniques that use simple shapes, the books teach you how to draw an immense variety of things. DD always gets great ideas from these books. She recently used her learning funds to purchase a book on drawing dragons. Dragons are her passion these days. A while back it was Orcas and she spent much time over many weeks learning to draw the perfect Orca. I love how she gets really into a subject, explores it in depth, and then moves on to another. She produces reams of paper each week as she practices her drawing. She has created a dragon character called Arcada. She is constantly working to improve his look, and here is an example of the latest incarnation. Here she was working on the hind feet (she made a slip of the pen at one point, which is why there’s an arrow pointing to it with the word “accident” going off the photo edge).

She also spent some time practising how to draw characters from the Sonic the Hedgehog series. I love these, you can totally see how she experiments with sketching and then fills in the colours. She was really proud of these, especially because she could draw them in different poses and aspects.

She also picked up her clay work again after a long absence. Her brother is really into Sonic the Hedgehog and they both spent some time recently watching the Sonic X series on YouTube. So when she picked up her clay she decided to make small models of Sonic and Tails the Fox. I wish my iPhone camera took better closeups because the pictures really don’t do justice to the level of fine detail in her work. She is known for her ability to craft miniatures and make very fine details with her hands.

This year I began putting aside some time each week to work one-on-one with the kids facilitating various projects with them. We call it “Project Time”. Daughter and I are working on a big movie project. She’s been making movies for years now but usually they are spontaneous affairs. This time we’ve developed a storyline, started on the script, picked out characters (she is a big fan of Littlest Pet Shop movies, as I wrote about previously) and she has started crafting some props. We hope to start shooting later this week. This is her project and she leads the way, with me simply assisting and facilitating in whatever way I can. We’re both pretty excited about it and to me it represents the very best of Natural Learning.

Meanwhile Son is…well, he is who he is! Still loves video games and computers, though he can often be found engaging in much imaginative play. He also enjoys crafting, though there is a distinct common theme running throughout – anything game related, lol. Here is some Lego Minecraft Objects he made one day using a YouTube video as a guide.

He also loves printing out game characters, having me cut them out, and then playing with them. He has lots…

But lately he’s been wanting to have Sukapon characters. He just discovered the old school game Sukapon, but the issue is that the characters are made of little bits that float, so this was tricky. We came up with the idea of using tape. Here are two characters (with their energy bars) that he has been carrying around and playing with for two days now.

A really neat learning moment occurred recently that taught my kids about an important event in modern history. My complaints about the ridiculous process that is airport security screening, after returning from a recent trip to Ohio, led to a discussion of 9/11. Before I knew it both kids were watching Zero Hour with me and asking tons of fascinating questions. They simply couldn’t wrap their heads around the notion of “bad guys” choosing to kill themselves to attain some goal. Seemed pointless to them. Which brought up the subject of religion and belief in the afterlife and how that can be a real game-changer when it comes to predicting what “bad guys” will do. It was one of those spontaneous moments where the kids’ were really caught up, genuinely curious, and eagerly engaged in exploring the topic further.

Finally, Son continues to produce spontaneous displays of some deep grasp of number relationships that seems to come out of nowhere. We’ve never done any “math” with him, just what comes up in day to day life, yet the kid can add simple numbers in his head and now he seems to have somehow figured out multiplication. On more than one occasion he has spontaneously divided some number into equal parts in his head, though he cannot explain how he does it. I did sit down with him one day at Project Time to explain the concept on paper. He grasped it immediately and after solving a couple equations declared it to be immensely boring and pointless, lol. Needless to say I’m not all that worried.

Diagnosis: High Functioning Autism

The title of this post is in reference to a post I wrote two years ago when Son was “evaluated” in preschool for behavioural issues in the classroom. The people who did the evaluation were not psychologists or even medical professionals, and all they did was observe him in the classroom one day, so I shouldn’t be surprised they missed his autism. On the other hand, looking back at the report they wrote, big flags should have popped up for somebody. I knew very little about autism back then, but after having read so much lately it was a bit of a shock to read over that report again (which I dusted off to give to the psychologist for his recent assessment) and see that, in fact, it sounded very much like autism and I’m surprised nobody else noticed that.

I’m less surprised that, a year before that, a pediatrician missed it, too. I think there are two problems in that scenario: 1) some of the social and behavioural issues that autistic kids have are “normal” in very young kids who simply haven’t quite gotten to that point in their development (just like some kids can read when they are 3, some take a while longer), and 2) pediatricians (the “gateway” to autism assessment professionals in our medical system) don’t often have much experience with autistic kids (relative to all the other issues they deal with). It’s disheartening to think how much better things might have been had we known earlier, however, what matters now is we do know, and we are going to get help while he is still young.

So in case the title doesn’t make it clear, we received the preliminary diagnosis from Son’s assessment this week: high-functioning autistic. No surprises there. It won’t become an official diagnosis until a pediatrician signs off on it. That appointment is November 10, and by then the doctor will have received a copy of the detailed assessment report from the psychologist, so it’s really just a token visit. Normally, if you stay “in the system”, it’s the pediatrician who would recommend an assessment, if they felt it appropriate. The wait list for that is about one year in our area, more in cities with higher populations. However, if you pay privately you can have the assessment done quickly, and that’s what we did (actually, our provincially funded homeschool program paid for it), which has sped up the process enormously.

Once we get the official diagnosis things will really start moving because with that official diagnosis we will immediately qualify for a $6000 grant from the Ministry of Children and Family Development, retroactive income tax credits going back several years adding up to about $20,000 come tax time, and funding from our homeschool program to the tune of about $10,000 when Son enters the Special Ed program next term. Yes, autism is big money. I’m very grateful for it since the programs Son needs are not to be found at your local community centre or Boy Scout troop and involve trained professionals who command appropriate salaries. However, I feel for families whose children don’t quite meet the criteria and who are then pretty much left to fend for themselves with children whose issues can be just as challenging, if not more, than those faced by kids with the official diagnosis.

While I appreciate the administrative and bureaucratic need for official testing, it’s not like we learned much that was new. I will say the social testing was very interesting because the activities that seemed so innocent and random on the surface were actually looking at very specific things. Plus, it’s not often as a parent that I get the chance to observe my son interacting one-on-one with someone in a way that is deliberately designed to bring out a variety of responses. Most of us “neurotypicals” don’t appreciate how much intuitive understanding we have of social interactions, the complexities of emotion, and the internal logic of flexibility to name just a few skills that autistic kids lack. It can take a professional to point out things that you haven’t noticed before about the subtleties of language and non-verbal communication. Plus, Son is so very different with me than he is with most other people, so I’m used to *that* person and not so much the one that other people meet and get to know.

However, the “psychoeducational” part of the test I could have done without. Yeah, he reads at a freaky high level. Yeah, he can’t hold a pencil well and his writing is abysmal. Tell me something I don’t know. His IQ tested as “average” (this is information of which, frankly, I would have been happy to remain ignorant; I struggled hard enough growing up, believing that most of my value as a person was in the “A” grades I brought home – I don’t need to project that onto my “average” child). Nevertheless, I consider those numbers pretty meaningless, particularly when so many of the questions assumed Son has been following the standard school curriculum (he’s had no reason to need to learn some of the “trivia” asked of him on the test, whereas he could have answered other questions not asked that would likely have stumped your average second-grader). Second, it’s no surprise that the results of his IQ testing are being noted as an “underestimate” because just sitting and focussing for so long drains so much mental energy from kids like him that not much is left for problem-solving. It’s not an effective way to measure intelligence, plain and simple. The psychologist said as much, and pointed out that its real usefulness is for children with serious learning disabilities or retardation issues that might confound autism assessments.

In fact, I’d like to make mention of something for the sake of anybody else reading this blog who may find themselves in a similar situation some time. It’s important to find an assessment team who understand homeschooling and, particularly, unschooling. Because we went through our homeschool program (which is designed for, and caters largely to, unschoolers) they were able to recommend a psychologist who was familiar with, and understood, unschooling (she has seen many students from our program and has worked closely with our Special Ed department). Too many professionals have no clue what unschooling is, and it is not unheard of for parents’ concerns to be dismissed by evaluators when it is learned that their home life cannot be fit into the Mainstream Box (i.e. your kid isn’t autistic, he just needs to be in school and regularly punished at home). For example, you would not believe how many of the questions I was asked (I must have filled out no less than six lengthy questionnaires) had virtually no relevance to our lives. Questions about homework, chores, organizing papers and schoolwork, tidiness of the desk, attitudes to new teachers, punishment and reward systems…you name it. Thankfully the psychologist was able to work with me to find situations that would be considered similar enough that the question could be answered but it was a struggle. If not for the fact that autism is largely a social disability (with a whole lot of other issues thrown in for good measure), and the questions relating to that were much easier to answer (having to do with playing in groups, one-on-one, interactions with adults versus kids, etc.), I wonder how much of the testing would be relevant to an unschooled child without that component. And it did not escape my attention that the diagnosis of ADD/ADHD, which some people describe as “autism without the social disability component”, would be based pretty much exclusively on the kinds of questions I had difficulty answering due to their lack of applicability to our lifestyle. No wonder ADD has been called a “disorder of formal education” since so many of its symptoms relate to functioning in the classroom. For many (if not the majority) of these kids, remove them from structured, coercive education and give them some room to move and freedom to explore and the “disorder” ceases to be such an issue.

So where do we go from here? Son has been accepted already into a social skills program that we have described to him as a “boys club”. Skilled social workers take small groups of boys “on the spectrum” out on excursions such as hiking, fishing, fort-building, etc. in which they can not only enjoy doing things that most kids can do within the general community, but can do without being misunderstood, chastised, ostracized, criticized, punished, and generally mistreated by people who don’t understand their behavioural challenges. In addition, the kids receive valuable skills training regarding social situations and regulation of their emotions. We’re all very excited about this program, including Son, and are eager to see him expand his repertoire of activities and experiences in a supportive setting.

Another benefit we are looking forward to receiving is that of “respite care”. This is basically “professional babysitting” – a chance for parents and siblings to gain some respite from the challenges and energy-draining focus required when caring for kids like Son. Too many families, like ours, are very limited in the availability of people – including extended family members – who are able to deal appropriately with behavioural issues that manifest in these kids. The teenager down the street is usually incapable of dealing with an autistic kid in full meltdown. This leaves us as the only real caregivers for our children and that can put a lot of strain on relationships. With Husband and I embarking on a new hobby together, and Daughter wishing to engage in more activities that are unsuitable for her brother, such respite will be a great relief to us.

We are also going to be applying for a Special Ed Assistant to accompany us on trips to the local Learning Centre (this was set up by a group of local parents from our homeschool program; we successfully applied for funding from that program so now we have a drop-in Centre open 3 days a week at which we can host free-play groups as well as mentor-facilitated activities such as clay classes, science experiments, etc). The pilot group was small, but even then I was having to spend a good deal of our time there shadowing Son and ensuring the safety of other kids should he find himself frustrated or in conflict with another child. With the Centre receiving funding the population has grown and now I must stick close to Son the entire time (the larger the group, the more challenging it is for him) which has left Daughter completely alone. Not only has this soured her experience there (she has her own challenges) but I myself am not able to participate in much of the parent discussions – both administrative and social chit-chat – that are part of the Learning Centre experience. An SEA will be able to take my place as Son’s “shadow” to ensure both a successful experience for him as well as the other children at the Centre, while allowing me to engage with Daughter and the other parents who attend with their children.

Finally, there will likely be some component of occupational therapy to deal with Son’s fine motor skill delays and overall low muscle tone that affect his ability to participate in physical activities (like sports or bike-riding) and self-care (e.g. putting on clothes and shoes), not to mention his sensory issues. He may even have some speech therapy – while his vocabulary is advanced, there are nuances of language that he has difficulty with, particularly the non-verbal aspects of communication, and these may be contributing to the physical outbursts of his that occur in social situations.

This past year, particularly the last six months, has seen a significant diminishment in the variety of outside activities Son has engaged in. We’ve essentially withdrawn a great deal due to the escalation of his behavioural issues. Despite the stereotyped belief that homeschooling means spending most of one’s time alone at home, we used to be pretty active outside the home and the kids enjoyed a variety of experiences out in the community (skating, playground meet-ups, field trips, etc). When assembling a “support team” for an autistic child one is asked to outline the goals one has for the child and family. For us, the goal right now is to expand Son’s horizons. He wants this, too, and I am very pleased and excited that we are finally in a position to offer that to him.

Unschoolers Unite!

If you haven’t heard about Dr. Peter Gray, check out his blog, Freedom to Learn, over at the Huffington Post’s Psychology Today.

But first, if you are an unschooler then help Dr. Gray with his research by downloading and completing his survey (click on the link below).

What Is Unschooling? Invitation to a Survey

A large and growing number of parents are taking their children out of school, not to school them at home but to allow them to learn in their own natural ways at home and in the larger community. What are they thinking? Read More

How I solved my dog’s aggression issues

I’m taking a break from my usual parenting and homeschooling related posts to tell a story about my own learning journey with my dog, Rain.

We adopted her, an Australian Cattle Dog mix, from a rescue shelter in Washington State back in June of 2009. She was a very submissive and timid dog towards people, but not in a fearful-aggressive way, rather in a “please love me” way. I made the first mistake of dog ownership, having never owned a submissive dog before: I assumed the poor thing was afraid and nervous after her move, and I got myself into a frame of mind where that story coloured my judgement.

She was well behaved at home, obedient and quiet and sweet. But the first time we met a dog on our walks she emitted a low growl while they were getting to know each other. The other owner and I thought little of it, we even chuckled, but I should have corrected her right then and there. That was Big Mistake #1. I had no idea what I was in for, and I can’t tell you how many times I have relived that moment wishing I had sternly corrected her back then, before she bonded to me. But I had this idea that she was timid and nervous and I didn’t realize the significance of that growl. I should have read this website:

Australian Cattle Dog[s]… were originally bred to protect and work livestock…this trait often leads to aggressive behaviors and dominant tendencies towards…unfamiliar dogs. This strong protective nature makes them avid watch dogs due to their obedience and extreme loyalty to their owners. This breed is often found on many expert’s “most aggressive dogs” top 10 list…

Over the next couple of weeks the behaviour escalated while Rain formed a bond with me. I became “her human” and she was going to protect me at all costs. By the time I realized I had a problem, it was too far gone. The same dog who would do anything for me would, when confronted with another dog, completely ignore me. I had lost the power of “the non-bonded human”; I was familiar and she was making the decisions for both of us. If another dog passed us or got too close she would lunge, bare her teeth, growl and bark, and strain against the leash as if she wanted to rip the dog’s throat out. It was scary for me, and I knew what to expect. The reactions from others ranged from horror to chastisement. More than one person told me I should not be out on the trails, even with her on a leash, and another guy said she should be put down.

Our life together became the exact opposite of what I had envisioned based on my previous dog experience. Our story will perhaps be familiar to anyone finding this article by Google search.

Dog parks were simply not an option. No hanging out with fellow dog enthusiasts watching the dogs play and chase each other. No waves and friendly dog greeting while out hiking the trails. Instead we became the doggy social scene equivalent of a hermit, an outcast. I took her to remote mountain trails where we’d be least likely to run into anyone. I’d take her off-leash there (because her recall was excellent) so I could run freely (I was trail running in those days) but the whole time I’d be anxiously peering around each corner, ears strained for the sound of people, praying that I would see far enough ahead to call Rain back to me should anybody appear. It got to the point where Rain would just automatically turn around and come to me if she saw anybody heading down the trail. But even her obedience in this matter didn’t stop her from going insane (while back on the leash) if the person were accompanied by a dog and had to walk past us.

I tried a dog class for “reactive dogs” but Rain turned out not to be a food-motivated dog. Sure, she loves treats but when it comes to a choice between even the tastiest tidbit and going after another dog, she’d ignore the food completely. I tried obedience training and she lived up to her reputation as a highly intelligent dog, but it didn’t change anything. I did, however, discover that she can befriend dogs – she came to like one or two of her classmates and learned to ignore the rest (thanks to a few stern words from the instructor, in whose hands she was putty). I tried doggy daycare, hoping they could help her. But, as with the obedience class, she demonstrated that she could make doggy friends if given time and the right environment – it was the meet and greet that did her in.

When we moved to the Island I got her into training with wonderful woman whose philosophy largely resembles that of the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan. She had a way with dogs that I was in awe of, and when I was invited to come with her on hikes (she walks a pack of dogs every day for 2 hours!) I was full of questions and wonder. I learned a lot about dog behaviour from her, like how Rain has two choices in situations where she meets a dog – she can attack or ignore. I watched examples of this “ignoring” when the trainer worked with her. That was to be my goal – Rain would never be a friendly, greet-everybody dog, but if I could get her to ignore rather than attack it would solve most of my problems. I could live without doggy parks – by now we were living in the country! But first I had to get her attention.

My first clue as to how to do that was when I had occasion to walk her with my husband along. She is very submissive to him (read: a big suck) and responds strongly to any reprimand by him. So when we were about to pass a dog I handed the leash to him. One strong word from him and Rain assumed a submissive posture, acted as though the other dog didn’t even exist, and tried very hard to get herself back into his good graces. I realized then that I had to figure out how to get that response from her myself. I can tell you that pain doesn’t cut it – before seeking professional help I tried numerous types of “training collars” (which I resorted to out of desperation) and the problem did not go away. That was Big Mistake #2. In the heat of the moment Rain simply ignored the pinching collar, even if it was hurting her. I couldn’t stand to continue like that.

And so we were left back to our old habits of avoiding people (at least a bit easier to do out here in the country) until one day a couple of months ago when we went to our local swimming hole…the solution presented itself to me. Rain loves to fetch sticks in the water, and to swim, and she’ll sometimes become rather insistent that someone throw a stick. Yeah, she barks in a really annoying way! So one day while she was yapping away like that my daughter splashed her with water, out of frustration at Rain’s barking. Rain shrank back and assumed a submissive pose – something she rarely does with the kids. I witnessed this, and an idea was born.

I recalled one doggy daycare trainer who told me she kept a squirt bottle filled with water close by the main pen, so that if any dogs started getting scrappy with each other she would squirt at them and they would disperse. Seeing Rain’s reaction to getting splashed (even though she loves to swim) gave me the idea to try it. Why hadn’t I thought of it before? Really, I can’t tell you.

The next day I was so excited. For the first time in 2 years I actually *hoped* we would pass by someone with a dog. I carried a small squirt bottle of water, set to “mist”. As a human approached us with a dog, Rain got into her “predatory hunting pose” and I immediately sprayed near her and said “Leave It!”. She shrank back in surprise and displeasure, gave me a submissive posture, and stopped looking at the dog. As we got closer and she tried to bare her teeth I did it again. She walked past that dog with barely a low growl. And, being the smart dog that she is, it only took about three more encounters passing dogs for her to give up the jig completely. I had done it! Now I only have to say “Leave It” quietly as we’re approaching and she just slinks past the other dog(s), completely ignoring them.

I cannot tell you how much this has changed my life! Okay, perhaps it’s not that big a deal, but it is HUGE for me. I no longer have to fear passing people on the trails, I even stopped and had a conversation with a woman walking a large Labradoodle last week! I feel like a normal dog person again! I’m no longer afraid to run into people with dogs, no longer embarrassed or anxious about my dog’s obnoxious behaviour. I can hold my head high!

I’m going to end this tale with a “paying it forward” moment. Last week Rain and I were heading home from a nice walk when I spied a woman with two kids and a dog at the top of the hilly trail. Upon seeing me, her reaction was hauntingly familiar. She immediately tightened up her dog’s leash and walked off the side of the trail into the bush. As far off the trail as she could go. She began to announce that her dog was “not friendly with other dogs”, inserted with profuse apologies as her dog proceeded to do a perfect imitation of Rain’s past behaviours. I could immediately see her embarrassment, her frustration, and my heart went out to her. I reassured her as we approached that it was okay. This was a good challenge for Rain, because the dog’s reaction stirred her up. She tried to do it back, but the Squirt Bottle of Power convinced her otherwise. I told the woman I understood what she was going through, that I had been in her situation countless times. As I kept going she said “Wait! How did you fix it?” and I held up my squirt bottle. We then proceeded to talk, and I had one of her kids bring the bottle over to her while Rain and I walked back past them. Her dog didn’t have the same negative reaction as Rain did to the water, but he let Rain pass without much fuss. A ray of hope crossed the woman’s face. As we talked her story was so familiar, how she was using these trails in the hopes of not running into any dogs, her total panic when seeing a dog off-leash, her frustration, all the things she has tried, etc…I think telling her my story reassured her that she wasn’t alone, and gave her some hope. I left that conversation feeling like things had come around full circle. The student was now assisting others on the same journey. It felt good.

 

The dreaded “R” word: Routine!

As long as I can remember, while I was growing up and living under my parents’ roof, I bristled at restrictions on my personal freedom. I hated being told what to do, when to do it, what to wear, where to go…some things I understood were reasonable (brush your teeth), others not so much (go to Church). The older I got the more I felt it (and my parents weren’t even that strict). I longed for freedom, dreamt of it constantly.

It is perhaps no wonder then that, as an adult with a lot of freedom (in the sense that I don’t have schedules to adhere to), I eschew any notion of scheduling my time. If I don’t have to get up early for some appointment, then I’ll sleep until I feel I’ve had enough sleep. If I don’t have to go shopping within a certain window I’ll just go when I feel like it or when there is a break in my day. Unfortunately, this concept extends to “I’ll get to that when I have time” which then often doesn’t happen. My business stuff, my La Leche League stuff, little projects I know I should get to, etc. are often done in haste at the last moment, and I always feel like there is so much to do that doesn’t get done.

The truth is I think I could benefit from a routine to better manage my own time. But I also believe that my kids, especially my daughter, might also benefit from it too. And this is particularly true when it comes to homeschooling activities. Oh sure, she’s learning a lot on her own. She plays independently at a variety of activities. But deep down I suspected that she would be happy to be doing even more, to be engaging more fully in certain things if only someone could lead her to them, and especially if she could do them with me. Up until now I’ve felt okay about largely letting the kids do their own thing, but she is getting to the age now where I think she is ready for more. Ready and, importantly, quite willing.

So I was talking to a friend who is a poster-child homeschooling mum. She gets cool projects that she does with her kids (recently they were studying ancient civilizations and had a week of meals from different ancient cultures), and makes sure that she gets sit-down time with each of her three boys regularly throughout the week. She actively seeks out fun stuff for them to learn and do, and while she tends to focus a bit more on the “three R’s” than I would, there is no doubt that her kids have an enriching homeschool experience, thanks to her efforts and energy. She confided to me recently that the key to her success is having a routine. It can be flexible, blocks of time can be moved around, but basically there is a flow to her days and the kids know what to expect. She says it makes her much more efficient with her time.

I pondered this for a while and realized that I could really use a system like that. In her family they get up, have breakfast, then from 10 until noon is project time. She’ll alternate sitting down with each of them and getting them started, or answering questions, etc. They are all focussed and she is engaged with them on whatever they are choosing to work on that day. Afternoons are either for classes they take outside the home (sports, music lessons, etc.) or time for free play and for her to get her housework and other jobs done. This really appealed to me, and I’ve been going through the last few days watching how my day flows and seeing how I could fit it into something like what she has. Mornings are usually my most productive times, but if there is housework that has to be done it usually gets eaten up by that. By afternoon I’m getting tired and thinking about dinner, etc. or how I need to go grocery shopping. By evening I am pooped and wanting time to myself. So a system like my friend has would be good for me.

It is going to require a bit of discipline and this is where I need to remind myself that this is not a restriction imposed on me, this is something I am choosing to make my life better! I’m going to have to be good about going to bed on time, so that I can wake up early. I’d like to be up around 7:30 so I have time for a walk with the dog and a quiet cup of tea before the kids wake up. Then I’ll make breakfast, clean up from that, and hopefully by 10 I’ll be ready to sit down with one of them to work on a project. Other mornings will be devoted to my own work, and there will possibly be a day or two when we have to be somewhere in the morning. Then I’ll make lunch (for everybody at the same time, what a concept!) and afternoons will be reserved for running errands, shopping, and whatever activities or get-togethers we plan.

All this means that my house is going to have to be clean and ready to go when I go to bed the night before – no more leaving dishes for the morning, or leaving messes lying around that I’ll be driven to tidy up before I can focus on anything else.

To let you know how determined I am to give this my best shot, I bought an alarm clock for my bedroom – I have not had a clock in my bedroom since I had children!! I don’t plan on setting the alarm, but knowing what time it is will be helpful in making sure I don’t stay up too late reading. As I go through the next few days I’m consciously preparing for this routine, which I plan to start in full around the second week of September, when homeschool programs start up and after Son’s assessments are done. Meanwhile I’m going to start looking into projects for the kids. People say that kids do better with a routine. Our home life has been good regardless, but I often feel that opportunities get lost because we don’t make specific time for such things. Wish me luck!